Scum

My Innocence

That sort of shit died years ago.
It wasen't even something I willing gave away it was taken from me forciablely. To put it in short words I was raped and it's a stigma that stayed with me ever since and it dosen't seem to be going at all.  As a male it was even more devestating, I wasen't even able to shit or sit right for more days then I recall. I remember crying like a little bitch for so long so maybe it 'healed' earlier then I recalled, not that it mattered then. I guess it dosen't even matter now it's just emotional baggage that hooked in its good for nothing scars in my heart.
It's a bitch isn't it? You look ugly and people won't stop giving you shit for looking like shit but if you're fucking handsome or pretty the world acts like you fucking owe it something and treat you like shit for acting 'better'.

Ah it just went downhill from there, messed up all my exams but who's to goddamn care? I was just seen as another little shit trying out rebellion.
The world right? They see you as a collective of data and not an individual but every cock up is one that 'fell through the cracks' like it was their own goddamn direction of choice.
Listen 'mate' if you're sliding down a hill of fucking dispair, dont critisize for the things we fail to reconize...A speeding car dosen't sightsee afterall..
I don't know whatever, i don't have the goddamn words for it at all.

Still it's funny from the experience of being someones bitch is a strange fucking alertness for people behind me, i will even boast it to be a sixth sense if I was more of an idiot.
Causes problems though...Someone touched my shoulder from behind and i beat the shit out of him.
No pulled punches.
That guy blood and fucking teeth were coating my fists maybe it was girl? I don't even know, i might of messed that person up so bad but maybe it wasen't that because it's not like I got into any trouble. Though maybe it only felt that way and the alledged white teeth were my own exposed bone.
I don't even know or care.

But I know it still effects me, I think it's the start to with with my obsession with sex.
Don't get me wrong I am not offering my ass up but my dick.
I needed to prove to myself that; THIS is how I get hard, THIS is what excuitment is to me. Not whatever that shit I was degraded too, I'm in control to what happens to me.
Maybe it's warped, maybe it's just making it sicker...
I know I can't be one to settle down but keep moving hips or leaving to a new place is all I am good for.
I wouldn't know but I guess I am just a decent fuck for a lonely night but no one you want to show your family like a dildo under your bed or a slutty mag.
I haven't strayed away from males part of me enjoys it more because I'm the one bending them over...A false sense a frigging power when you both moan in the obsinity of goddamn desire.

It could be said I am bisexual? It makes it easier to be, if that girl you hit on fails go to the guy who was giving you the 'it's a shame he isn't gay' stare and act like it was a attempt to tease them works both ways so always hunt for two, give the right type of glances here and there and at most it's a success.
But yeah 'hunting two hares can leave you with none' you either break that saying or you make it hold true.
Still success can come from being on the sidelines, some know the 'deal', some know the right kind of specimen for a night in sheets with no strings to bind them.
Some are stupid and try to capture the beast that is me...I don't need a collar if you meet someone through sex your standards got to be fucking low as fuck.
Realationships are about personal connection I think? Anyone can use their genitals on whatever dosen't mean love, it's lust.

It's just lust.

It's thoose simple words so it's best to leave the inexperienced as you may capture their heart unintentionally...All them waves of pleasure going in their head is like fucking taming, that guy can do this because he's attracted to me and something and something.
Who knows and who cares?
Get the lonely or the bored. Maybe thats the best way to describe it?
But the game in the club is fucking dying out as it just begun for me...

The online game is too stupid for me for the most it seems like a good way to meet liers or someone who is looking for more....Why want more?
Taste a dish then leave it taste another no one can eat the same thing over and over...
I lie there because well many people could but it's just not what i want.

Is their person like me that could ever want that?
Relationships.
Partners.
Thoose kinds of people will want to know more and more about you...
I don't want anyone to know the scars embedded in me....I admit I am wimp to it but I learned to live how I live and it's enough for me.

I have no friends.

No life but this one.

It makes me scum to be alone but it makes you scum to think that of me.

My own words may not hold true but my feeling towards might be true as life can be for me.

So a drink, a cigerette and a tumble in the sheets.

This is my pointless and meaningful exsistant.

I'll spit at you as you spit on me, the man who should of given up years ago.

But this is my story so it's not like I can trade it for something else...So let's not get to know each other for a day or two, it's not like anything will change if I do or don't

This is my final confession.