En Bref (Short Stories)

No Spring Chicken (Humor, Videogaming)

I do Tai Chi on Saturdays with the Seniors' Association, and my Garden Club meets every second Tuesday of the month. The rest of my weeknights I used to spend maiming or killing the young whippersnappers, until that polite young man from Singapore talked me into switching over to whupping the AI monsters' bum-bums. The raids, he enthused, are collaborative, where PvP is always adversarial. You got to try it! The dear boy, bless his soul, has finally found a decent job, and I am still here, in the online jungles, killing monsters with those very same whippersnappers.

The dungeon-crawling is indeed a lovely thing, except that I get awfully tired of my inner voice piping in: 'Watch that potty-mouth, young man!' like a broken record. So, I have followed some helpful net advice and downloaded a speech filter app for my hearing aid that helps keeping things civil. The reviews say it will keep my ears from drooping without losing the meaning of what is being said.

With that useful gadget yours truly is all set to beat the Grandiose Dungeon of Doom on Hard difficulty tonight. I find myself on our group table on the screen, as the Healthbar Four in Column One, my usual position. My toon is tall, green and handsome, and wears a very sensible cosmetic overlay on him, an artistic take on a medieval knight's armor with some diving gear thrown in. Nothing is too good for my golden boy, and if I could, I'd color the tracking lights on his suit mauve to match his eyes. I am armed to the teeth with the Staff of Divine Healing, a glass of red wine and a crochet hook.

It's now Day One, Wipe Six. "We've almost got it!" Facepalm, our intrepid leader and tonight's main tank, booms in my headphones. Our spirits are high, as we huddle together at the mouth of a cave decorated with lovely ferns that Barb would have loved for her shade bed. Ahem...

Behind the foliage, the Boss paces restlessly, giving us curious glances from the height of ten or so feet. He roars, curious to find out if we have lost the taste for painful death he spreads over his entire domain on schedule. Thanks God for the clever hiding spots where we sit out his AoE, AoE and more AoE! Nobody died the last thirteen times he did it, but hope springs eternal, I suppose.

"I am good for a few more tries," I tell Facepalm. I don't sleep much nowadays, and have nothing planned for tomorrow before taking my pug Fluffy for his daily walk.

Facepalm gets nods from everyone else, and I hear the relief in his voice. Putting together full raids is much like being a single father of triplets, while also taking interest in herding cats and following Middle Eastern politics.

The second tank, Oldboy, interrupts unceremoniously: "What the---" My hearing aid's app tunes in with a soft click and starts to work on converting the curses. I've missed a couple of words, only catching up the end of the sentence, "... last time?!" Tsk, tsk, spoil sport!

But he's been playing games since the Game of the Year was chess, and he can role anything you want, need or can dream of. He'll come all maxed out for it. So, our contubernium - that's the smallest unit of Roman army, by the way, also consisting of eight men; and those too young to remember the hay days of the Empire call it 8M- takes his cue, and performs a quick review of our strategy.

Muchomacho pipes in first, the true test for my hearing aid, because he is fluent in at least sixteen languages, colloquialisms only, plus every word that has ever been invented to substitute for vulgarisms on prime-time television.

"This fragrance," I hear him say, "does not bring to mind roses."

Realcoolswordz is a decent enough DPS, who will, at times, pull the mobs, and everyone will die as a result. That's what happened on Wipe Four. He replies hotly, if a bit out of context, "Long Live Reproduction!"

Reallycoolgunz echoes him before I can remind myself not to translate this one back, defeating the purpose of my wearing the gizmo.

"Long Live Reproduction!" Realcoolgunz puts in a word in the edgewise. He is also decent enough DPS, but will, at times, pull the boss, and everyone will die. That's what happened on Wipe Five.