Headspace ✓

[08] end

My vision is blurring every few seconds. The white space feels like it's disappearing, and then coming back with a whiter hue that gives me a headache.

Desirée fades in and out of my imagination. She looks strong and confident in her own skin and proud of her colour, but she isn't. She's shaky. Even if it's only the two of us in here, her eyes still dart around nervously. Like how they did when we walked into a room and braced ourselves for the racist or nasty comments.

"We're the same as Mam. We're smart bookworms with enough talent to fill a room. The only difference between Faith and Emilie is that Emilie isn't afraid to be wrong, and stands up for what she feels is right."

Desirée nods. She's different from Annie and Ess. She doesn't represent my negative feelings. She is the manifestation of my desire to grow up to be a strong, confident black woman.

As she stands here, in this infinite space of nothing and everything, she looks like me. She no longer has the foreign nose, or the thin thighs. She has the grace of a clumsy girl, the confidence of an unsure young woman, and the intelligence of someone who doesn't know who they truly are, and doesn't know what they're capable of.

"We want to be strong like Mam, don't we? Maybe a representative for young black girls who don't know how precious and appreciated they are. A representative for all girls who don't know their value. Or is that thinking too far ahead?" Desirée asks with a laugh.

I join in. "Maybe so. I think first we need to find ourselves and accept ourself for who we are, before we can help others do the same."

She smiles, and a light shines from within her. "Sounds good."

I'm slowly slipping in and out of consciousness. I can hear the beeping of the heart monitor by my side, but I can still see Desirée. "You're about to wake up. How do you feel?"

"I . . ." My mouth can't form the words I want to say.

Desirée laughs in surprise, wiping my cheeks. "You're crying. Is that even possible? How can you cry in your own mind?" Saying it out loud, she sounds ridiculous, and I laugh along with her.

She grabs my hands and squeezes them, tight enough to make me cry out. I can see everything in her eyes, which fill with tears. "Be strong, okay? Love yourself and love others. And don't forget you've been lucky enough to be blessed with two eyes and a beating heart," Desirée whispers as she slips from sight.

My vision turns blurry and darkens as I slip back into consciousness of the real world, but I still cry happily as I hear Desirée's husky voice.

"Smile, Faith. Just smile."