Believer ~Jean x Reader AU~

Chapter 22: Internal Conflict

I stared up at my ceiling the next morning, watching as the faint light trickled in through my window. There was a storm brewing outside, the thunder gently rolling through the clouds. I knew it wouldn't be long until it all ripped open, unleashing its furry onto us all. Still, despite that, all I could focus on was the evening prior.

The memories of Jean's body being so close to mine flashed through my thoughts. I bit my bottom lip, remembering how his lips had almost brushed against my ear, causing chills to dart up and down my spine. I remembered how his hands grasped onto my hips, making my breath hitch. Just the mere memories had me weak.

I squeezed my eyes shut and sighed, "I'm such a fucking idiot. Why? Why did I do that?"

My thoughts then turned to my encounter with Kellen. He had been a little confused by my abrupt desire for sex, but he had no protests. He happily went along with it, his hips motioning back and forth into me with each thrust. His pants and moans filled my memories. He had been so excited to do all that, and why wouldn't he? He was a guy and guys are known for being more sex driven. Still...I couldn't help but feel guilty. While Kellen was busy moaning and groaning my name, I was fighting back the urge to say Jean's.

Because that was who I wanted in my bed with me.

I let out another hardy breath and sat up, my eyes falling on my bed. Not wanting to break the campus's curfew rules, Kellen had left shortly after our session the evening before, but not without kissing me goodnight. Even as I recalled how his lips felt against mine I was at war with myself. Kellen was still one hell of a catch. He made me smile, was polite, caring, and sweet. He wasn't pushy, and he seemed devoted to our relationship. To put it bluntly, I failed to see what Jean was talking about.

In fact, if anyone was not worthy of the other's affection, then it was me. I had...I had almost gone through with cheating on my boyfriend. Rather, I believed I had already done just that. Jean and I might not have actually crossed any lines such as kissing or having sex, but we had been so close. Our behavior had hinted at longing for the other. And, to be frank, had Jean not pulled away, I'm sure we would have. I'm certain we would have crossed that boundary.

I couldn't help but feel guilty. Not just for Kellen, but for Alexandra as well. I mean, she had trust and faith in Jean and there he had been in my dorm room, about to do only God knows what with me. In my eyes, he and I were both scum not deserving of our partners' affection. And as bad as I wanted to apologize to both Kellen and Alexandra, I knew I'd only stir up more problems. After all, nothing had actually happened between us.

I mean, yes, he did hold my hips and his face had been so close to me, but technically speaking, we didn't do anything...right? We didn't kiss...we didn't dry hump...we didn't have any form of sex...we didn't do any of that. But, if that was the case, then why were my thoughts trained onto that moment? Maybe because, in a sense, I knew what we had done did qualify as a form of cheating...at least to me it was.

I shook my head and gently bonked my skull. Nope. Nope, I can't think about this anymore. I told myself. Dwelling isn't gonna change a damn thing. What was has already happened and what will be will be. I glanced up, working my best to pull myself out of my gloom. Easier said than done, though. No matter what I told myself, I doubted I could pull myself out of my funk that quickly.

So, I decided I'd just take a shower.

I hopped off my bed. Thanks to my sexual escapades with Kellen, I was already naked as I found it pointless to bother with clothes or even pajamas, so I had slept in the nude. That allowed me to just mosey into my bathroom. I flipped on the light and turned on the water, letting it warm before turning it to the showerhead. The water tapped the tub and I jumped in.

The steam's warm embrace wrapped around me, cradling me closely. I washed and rinsed my hair and body before just standing under the squealing current. My thoughts still consumed me. I was still beating myself up about everything, but above that, I still couldn't shake him from my concentration. It was as if Jean didn't want to leave it. I almost found it amusing and even wondered if I resided in the depths of his thoughts. It was doubtful.

I remained in the shower for about ten more minutes, enjoying how the water warmed me before shutting it off. I pulled back the curtains and grabbed a new towel. I dried myself off and wrapped my hair up into a towel cocoon. Feeling better being clean and not smelling like sex, I trotted out into my room. As usual, I shimmied into my undergarments and put on deodorant before picking an outfit. Of course, it was time for plain Jane mode to be activated. I chose a simple pair of skinny jeans and a comfy Death Note T-shirt with Ryuk on it. After that, I just set my hair free and ran my comb through it.

Beyond that, I took a hardy breath and shuffled to my bed. I glimpsed down at my bed where my phone was. To my surprise, I saw that its notification light was blinking, alerting me that I had gotten a message. I reached down and picked it up, opening my messages when my eyes widened.

**Bello my amazing lovelies. So, I know everyone has their own definition of cheating. Do you consider what Jean and Y/N did as cheating? Feel free to let me know! As always, thank you so, so, SO much for everything! You guys are the MVPs! Wuv yous!! <3**

-Noel Ross