IN HEAVEN - everything is fine

Overdone

Alone together again. Christmas and New Years, the lights and seasonal smiles are disgusting. Among these people the loud noises and voices dissolve my thoughts, diluting my potency. The laughs, grunts and smell of sex in the rummy air triggers my jealousy. To be so removed from reality. I find a room to inject the poison that makes me agreeable to myself, makes me like them even to a meager extent. This is my coping, the block of ice that keep this caged body from melting. The rush numbs the worm from the pussy and shit on their breath. I care little for their theories or their deaths. Everything is meaningless in the swing of dances and cheery songs. "Sing along Michael, sing along, this is the holidays show some cheer and mirth." From birth this gene has been denied me, it was not handed out to germs like me. I cannot dance or embarrass myself so unintentionally. Pride is my cruel master and I am his slave. Peel the world of its green skin and feed me its corpse. Fire your bombs and I will dig to the core to survive. I am a germ, my life's purpose is to find a host and reproduce. Why? I have often wondered but no longer. A girl approaches me in the corner of the room, drowning deafer to the noise and her voice. I have to concentrate at her slow moving pink lips that I want to suck, shutting her up this way without having to say... I care little for your words, just give me your body and when I am done, more tired than I am now you may use my ear as recompense for witnessed sins. Concentrate I tell myself, blinking and nodding like everything is fine, just like mother told me to. The bathroom is this way I tell her. Another disappointment for a star-faced fool, naive and gullible to the vice of man. Nothing will help now, she has blown the high like they do, not just her but all her kind. I don't want to indulge again and die but why? I have often wondered but no longer. Inside the once empty room that is now infested with vermin worse than I. Kissing fools. A whimsical girl and a thuggish boy, strangers to me but I see their kin all around. She will bear his burden upon her stomach and skin and she will cry bleating like the sheep so easily led. So easily seasoned and eaten. Blood and flesh will mark their communion. I tell them to get out and they do, I wish I could save them future misery by granting present destruction as I have gifted myself. Sometimes it is only in the void screams can be heard. They will gather again on a night like this, drinking, kissing, fucking and dancing but that is hardly my concern now. The white dye colors my blood. Hate runs through these clogged pours, no more, no more, no more. Sweat drips to the intricately woven mat that seems more beautiful. The thoughts fade away for a time and my face a distorted mockery. It is Christ's birthday, for God's sake, one should celebrate his sacrifice with expensive presents and drunken parties. Pagans each of them, dancing so close. They will tell you it is culture not to be imitated or that will retch anger. Not to speak of color while they do everyday. I am deficiency absolute. My shell rescued by the innovative hands of medicine but this cocoon has held me prisoner. I am not meant for this world or any-other if this is the best they offer. The party rages on outside, I turn the lock to my door. The bitter memories are sweetened by a frothing silence.