Bill Hader One Shots

Watching TV

Today had been so dull. It was one of those Saturdays where you have nothing to do but walk around your apartment looking at things and yawning while leaning against the window ledge, listening to the rainy afternoon.
I decided to call my good friend Bill who was probably freaking out about the show tonight. I sat down on my old, stained couch that over the years had been piled with more and more blankets to disguise its discolouration and picked up my phone. Two rings in and there's an answer.
"Hello?" Bill says, answering the phone like he always does: as if having no idea who's there despite the fact he has caller ID. It was just one of his best quirks.
"Hey, how are you? Freaking out yet?"
"No thankfully, Fred's been cracking me up all afternoon. We've been doing that Obama bit!"
"The one where he goes to LA?"
"Yeah!" He says laughing while confirming.
"I hope your not having too much fun without your best friend!"
"Of course I'm not, I wish you could be here. I can't do the show with out you."
"I wish I could too, but I'm just too sick and don't even say that, of course you can do the show without me!" I say sniffling.
"Promise me you'll watch?"
"Obviously I will, I've got nothing better to do"
"Ha ha," Bill says sarcastically, "I've got to go now, but seriously watch it!"
"Ok, Bill I will, I'll see you later!"
"Bye!"
I put down my phone and end up flopping sideways, with half my body now lying on the couch, staring at a the blank television screen. I try to reach for the remote on the coffee table opposite me but the way I've positioned myself has made it impossible, my dog Gerry stares at me, mocking me with those eyes.
"I'll show you." I say to him as I roll myself over far enough to successfully reach the remote, I grab it victorious. "Ha Ha! Beat that Gerry!" I shout as I look at my confused miniature schnauzer, realising that he did nothing to deserve an owner like myself.
"Ok calm down I've already taken you on like 2 walks today! Geez..." again speaking to my dog as he just sits there with no idea what's happening.
Later that night, I'm lying on the couch with about fifty blankets lying on top of me with Gerry at the top of the pile, like a small but powerful king. I look at the time and realise SNL is about to start. I quickly change the channel and reach for a bowl of popcorn beside me happily with no teasing from Gerry.
I see Bill on the screen and Gerry barks, recognising his face.
"I know it's Bill!" I say enthusiastically while stuffing my face with the salty popcorn.
The show is hilarious and Bill is as funny as always, every character jumping out the screen. At the end as the host, Paul Rudd, was saying his thanks, I saw Bill say hey, probably so he could know if I saw it when we next spoke. I watched everyone hug as the music played them out. I yawn, tired and still kinda sick. I was about to go to bed when I saw that When Harry Met Sally was on, one of my favourite films, so I switched the channel and comfortably lay down again.
My tiredness was too strong though and I quickly drifted to sleep.
I woke up to Gerry barking while someone knocked at the door. I was of course hesitant as it was the early hours of the morning. I look at my phone to see Bill had text me saying he was at my door. I scurried over and undid the four locks on my door.
"Hey" I say sounding goofy with my croaky voice "I saw the show, you were great. Come in."
"Thanks, I hope you don't mind that I'm here, at- oh god it's 3 in the morning?"
I laugh, thinking how hilariously oblivious Bill can be to time or even the date sometimes.
"Yeah I mind." I say jokingly, making my way back to the sofa. I lie down on it once again, but more propped up so I can still see Bill.
"Hey, Gerry!" I hear him say as he pets and hugs him.
"So how was the after party?" I say
"It was fine, the same I guess, I didn't stay too long.
"Oh?"
"Yeah, I don't know I went back to my apartment and I was going to go to bed but I kept having this same thought running through my mind."
"Was it 'I need new clothes' because I've seen You wear that jumper at least fifty times in the last 3 months."
"Ok I can take a hint, but no that wasn't it," he says still staring at the dog will petting his head.
"So what was it?"
"It was... that... I-I'm kinda hungry" Bill says, anti-climatically.
"Really? That's been taking up your mind all night? Why don't you just eat then?"
"I thought you might want to order some pizza with me."
"Yeah ok," I say a little confused still lying on the sofa like a starfish.
"What type do you want?" He says
"I don't know, whatever you'll get is fine, as long as it's not pineapple!"
Bill orders and I ask him about how he felt about the show and other topics relating to our weird interests.
Finally the pizza arrives and Gerry joins me on the sofa.
"Move over," Bill says.
"You have to say the magic word!" I tease, acting like a 5 year old.
"Please?" He says rolling his eyes.
I move my legs and sit up straight as Bill sets down the pizza and grabs some movies.
"So what should we watch?" He says.
"Bill?"
"Yes?"
"What really was going through your mind before you got here?"
"Well," He says still looking at the movies, acting as if he's reading the backs of them even though he already knows what each of them are about. "I was wondering why I hadn't realised how much you mean to me"
Suddenly things feel more serious than before.
"And I couldn't see my life without you." He says, finally turning to me.
"Uh huh" I stutter, speechless.
"I love you and I needed you to know that."
"I love you too" I smile.
We quietly stay in that moment for a couple of seconds.
"What about Hot Fuzz?" I say.
"Yeah, ok" He says still smiling at me.
He puts the disc on the player and we get ready to watch the film. I take a slice of pizza and when Bill reclaims his side of the couch, I join him, leaning my head on his shoulder, content with Gerry asleep on my lap.