Something Happened

Chapter 10

"Estelle?" Jared's voice flows through my door, making my situp in bed. "Why don't you come down and eat breakfast. I didn't see you eat dinner last night. Come on, open up," he then proceeded to tell me that he can break my door down in one kick but I know he won't. Mom would kick his ass and he knows it. I know I am being a coward for avoiding my brother, who I already don't see enough, but I can't help it. "I made pancakes, with banana's," Jared resorts to. I groan and get out of bed to open the door.

Jared falls into me when I swing the door towards me. He was clearly leaning on my door, thinking he would hear me come up to it if I did decide to open the door. "Get off of me, you big oaf," I tell him jokingly.

"It's your fault. You could have warned me, Stealthy Stelle," I smile at him, my heart tugs. I really did miss my brother.

At the dinner table, mom and Jared talk about random things, mainly Christmas and if he will be able to visit then too. Then mom looks at the clock and jumps up.

"I'm sorry Jared. I have to head to the hospital. There is this boy who needs surgery in twenty minutes and I have to be there. I will come home early though, I promise," she kisses him on the cheek and grabs her things. Then she walks out the door.

"How is it? Being out there, I mean," I ask Jared after she leaves.

"It can be hard, watching people die, being away from you and mom, but it also has its ups. I have a few great friends and the guys and me? We find our entertainment. Plus, I get pretty great discounts," he says, smiling.

"I wish you didn't go," I tell Jared, telling him the complete truth for the first time since he got here.

"You know I had to, Estelle. Dad, he would have wanted it. It's where he lived, where he died."

"It doesn't mean that it's where you die too!" I yell, jumping up from the table. Jared calmly gets up, but I know he is anything but.

"You don't understand," Jared tells me in a calm yet outraged tone. He doesn't want to be angry with me, but he is.

"Then help me! Help me understand why you would risk your life when you know you're not expected to come back. Help me understand why you are so willing to leave me when you are all I have left. Mom doesn't come home anymore. She can't stand to be here without you. So, please, help me understand what part of any of this is okay," My voice rises to a shrill and crumbles into thick dead one.

"No! You don't get to do this. You don't get to criticize my decision and corner me into telling you something deep and personal when you won't even tell me what happened to you! I am your big brother, I am supposed to protect you and I can't do that when you won't let me."

"You can't protect me, not when you're in a camo uniform halfway across the world," I tell him, then I storm back up into my room, leaving a full plate but an empty brother.

Jared never left the house. The front door never opened and neither did mine. Every once in a while, I could hear Jared's footsteps right outside my door. He hovers, but he never knocks. With a full blatter, I step into my persona of Stealthy Stell. I will creep into the bathroom and then run back before Jared confronts me.

I swing my door open and Jared falls backward onto my floor. He had been sitting in front of my door. I stiffly walk around him and go into the bathroom.

When I am done in the bathroom, Jared is sitting on my bed. I hesitantly sit next to him. We are silent for a while and I contemplate saying something or leaving. He then speaks up.

"You were young when dad died, but if you remember him then you remember that when he was home he only talked about the war. He never told me he wanted me to join the army, but I knew it's what he wanted. Some part of me wanted it too. It brings me closer to him. The idea of making the world safer for you and your children one day, it keeps me going. I just want to do the right thing. Sure I might not make it out of the army or single-handedly change the world, but I will die knowing I made it that much safer," Jared says, his tone leveled but raw at the same time.

"What about me Jared? Did you ever think about how I will feel when you die? Or mom?"

"Of course I did. I think about that every time I get up in the morning and every time I go to bed at night. I am sorry, but this is something that I can't give up," this time, it's Jared who is crying. If I weren't looking at him I wouldn't have known but I am and I can see the trail of wetness down his cheeks and neck. My heart sinks for the millionth time this week. I wrap my arms around him and he hugs me back. Eventually, we lay down, just like that. We don't fight or cry. We just lay there and talk about all of the good things we experienced.

"What's that?" Jared asks pointing at the green notebook that I had thrown on the floor earlier.

"It's nothing. Just notes from school," I tell him, my heart hammering in my chest.

"Then you don't mind if I flip through it," before I could stop him Jared is up and after it. I grab at it but he is too quick. He held it over his head where I can't reach it because he holds it just out of my reach. No no no no no

I watch helplessly as he flips through it. His eyebrows scrunch up. "What-what is this? It's talking about loneliness and anxiety and-and rape. Estelle this is talking about rape," he tells me as if I don't know. His head snaps towards me. "Estelle, your notebook is talking about rape."