Because I love you.

Chapter seven: Book Club

School goes back to normal other than the fact that I drive myself more, giving the excuse that I have other things to do and it makes sense to not waste Jacob's time. I think it's a Monday lunch time that I start looking more in depth into the things Miss James gave me. This is better than listening to Carrie and Noah make out.

"What are you looking at?" Jacob asks, sitting next to me after getting his food.

"Extra credit." I say looking at the list of clubs the school has.

"Why? I thought you were doing well." Jacob says. I shrug and look at him.

"I am; I just saw that they have a book club. I thought I might join." I say honestly.

"The book club, are you kidding me?" Carrie says, breaking her kiss with Noah. I frown and look around to see the whole table staring at me.

"What's wrong with the book club?" I ask. "I like reading." I say.

"Just saying that out loud makes you seem like a nerd. Just read at home you don't need the extra credit." Carrie says. I frown slightly and look at Jacob. He gives me a look, telling me he doesn't know what to say. I keep looking at him, waiting for him to talk. It does get a bit awkward and the table just tries to ignore it before going back to whatever else they were doing.

"Come with me." Jacob says, standing up and taking me to a quiet corner where we have some privacy. "It's not that you shouldn't be in the book club or whatever, it's just not what we do." He says.

"Why not, are the people bad or something?" I ask.

"No the people are fine; it's just not what we do. First of all we stick together and you'd be going alone but we only go to those clubs or whatever if we desperately have to. We have a reputation." He says.

"What's the reputation?" I ask. "Not doing things that you think would be fun or not interacting with people outside of the group?" I ask.

"It's both, we just don't find those things fun; its great if you do but we are your friends and we trust each other, if you go to the book club the people here would try to be our friends and last time we did that it didn't end well." He explains.

"What happened?" I ask, now less annoyed.

"I'll explain at my place after school if you want, I can't tell you here." He says. I nod and we go back to the group. After lunch Noah and I go to class. We don't talk much since we have a test but I can tell things are off. Maybe whatever it was, was to do with him.

Jacob and I go home and I go to his house almost instantly. We go to his room and I lay in his bed, kicking my shoes off. I see his blinds open and I smile, but I don't mention it.

"So, what happened?" I ask, turning to look at him as he lies down next to me.

"First of all, you can't tell anyone; everyone who does know has gotten the message that it is too bad to say what happened, I'm only telling you because we trust you." He says.

"Yeah of course, we of all people understand secrets." I say. He smiles and nods.

"So, Noah and Nat were step brother and sister for a few years, their parents have all been married so many times but when we formed our group they were technically related. Nat was kind of like you, smart kind of nerdy but social. She joined some cinema appreciation club and met a guy called Stephen. They got together and of course he joined our group. He and Nat went really fast, and eventually Nat accidentally got pregnant." He says, I gasp quietly.

"And he freaked out?" I ask.

"Yep, within a week he was threatening not only her but all of us. Nat lost the baby and he moved away but we really just stick to ourselves now. It's not against you or the clubs like it seems but we just don't do that anymore." He says.

"Wow." I say. He smiles and holds my hand.

"I'm obviously sure you wouldn't do that, but it just isn't a good idea, especially if you were going alone." He says.

"You could come with me, make sure I don't get into any trouble." I say, turning to lay on my stomach and shuffling up to look him in the eye. "You could make sure I don't fall in love with anyone else." I say wiggling my eyebrows.

"With anyone else?" He asks, smirking happily. Adrenaline flows through me and I take a deep breath.

"Yeah, they think I am in love with you right?" I ask. His smile fades and he nods. I lay back down and I look at the ceiling, calming myself down.

"It's okay you know." He says.

"What?" I ask, looking back up at him.

"You can love me." He says, raising his eyebrows.

"Jacob, I am sick of this conversation, you know I can't." I say, sitting up and running my hands through my hair.

"I know I know I'm sorry." He says, sitting up and rubbing my back.

"I know it isn't fair. The longer I let you have these feelings the stronger they will get and the worse it will feel. But I can't say it." I say honestly.

"You can't choose how I feel, just like you can't help the way you feel." He says.

"What do you want me to say huh?" I ask, getting annoyed. "That I think I love you? Yes okay, I think I love you. But that doesn't mean anything. It can't mean anything." I say, tears forming.

"Lily..." he trails off.

"No." I say, standing up. "I have to go sleep; you have to understand that this, whatever messed up thing this is, is all this can be because I can't tell you." I say putting my shoes on.

"Why? I won't leave you." He says, stopping me before I storm out. "I won't leave you." He says calmingly. He kisses me and I kiss back, the tears stop as he holds me, it's almost as if he is trying to heal me; and for right now, it's working.

"So if I tell you, it won't matter?" I ask once I pull away.

"No." He says.

"Then be okay with waiting." I say, looking up at him.

"But I want us to be real; I don't want this to be fake anymore. I want to call you mine and know it's real. But I want you to want to." He says.

"I want to." I say. "But when you kiss me, does it feel fake?" I ask. "When you hold me, don't you feel that I don't want you to let go?"

"Then let this be real." He says.

"It's not fair on you. Because I know I will tell you, honestly I will. But when that happens, it will change everything, and I want you to be able to leave without being as hurt as you would be if we were truly together." I explain.

"It hurts me now." He says. "Whoever it was that left you because of this was a dick. You didn't hurt anyone, you did nothing wrong; anyone can see that you would never want to. It's not your job to protect me." He says.

"No it's not my job to protect you, but it is my job to protect you from this, from me." I say. "Now stop arguing with me I'm tired, I need to sleep." I say.

"Sleep here, with me." he says, compromising with me. I take a deep breath and nod, slipping my shoes off again. He carries me to the bed and puts me in and under the covers, making me laugh. He gets in on the other side of the bed and I turn to look at him before I fall asleep.

"Are you even tired?" I ask.

"A little, but before you fall asleep I was wondering if you could do me a favour." He says.

"Depends on what it is." I say with a yawn.

"Carrie wants to do a double date." He says. I raise my eyebrows and think for a second.

"Sure, why not." I say, smiling at him.

"Okay, I'll sort it out." He says, holding out one arm. I shuffle closer and rest my head on his chest. I soon fall asleep, listening to his strong heartbeat.