Because I love you.

Chapter Sixteen: New Year

I am sent home two days before new years but I sleep for most of the rest of the year. I wake up to see the fireworks from my window, it's the first time I have raised the blinds since I closed them on Christmas but for once the view is enough for me to want them open. The colours make my heart sing as I see them reflect on the ocean. I watch as they slowly fade. I wait a while though, not wanting to lose the view just yet.

It's when I turn to go back to bed when lights from Jacob's pool turn on. It surprises me but it seems that he has been in his pool the whole time, watching the fireworks from the pool. I can see his body in the pool by the glass; he is resting his arms on the side. From what I can see he looks the same, his body is more like a silhouette but I can still see a slight beard. It does hurt to see him but I can't look away. It's as if I am seeing him for the first time again in years. Yes it hurts but I've missed him so much it doesn't matter. I go to the other window and see his blinds are open.

His room is the same, maybe slightly messier but the same. It gives me an idea. It might be a risk but I get my phone anyway. I search for the speakers I got him and I see that I can connect. I look out of my window and I see he is still in the pool. My room is in complete darkness so I'm sure he couldn't see me if he wanted to. I slowly play a song that I found which makes me think of him. I turn it up enough so I can see him turn around. He looks at my window but I hold my phone to my stomach so he can't see me. He gets out of the pool and dries off. He walks in to his house and I get into my bed, watching as his door slowly opens.

When he walks in I see he is slightly skinnier than before but more muscular. His beard is short but uncared for. He runs his towel though his hair and he sits on his bed. He thinks for a second, avoiding looking at the window I'm sure he knows I'm looking through. Eventually he gets a large notebook and scribbles something on it. He leans over and flicks the switch to lower his blinds, once they cover his face he lifts the notebook which simply says 'sorry' before they close completely.

I turn and lay on my back, staring at the ceiling. It hurts a little but I can tell my music is still playing, so I change to his playlist and I fall asleep, knowing at least part of me is still with him.

When I wake up my phone is disconnected. I can't re connect so I assume he turned off the speakers. He doesn't want anything to do with me. I sigh and stare at the ceiling. I wait for a rush of determination so I can get over this rare form of loneliness but it doesn't come. I just have to live this year like the end of last year; alone and broken.

I spend the week in bed. Only leaving to visit the doctor to get permission to do more like drive and be left alone for more than ten minutes. I am visited by Ms James who says she has agreed with the teachers and my doctors for me to do home school again for a while, but more structured and with the occasional in school class.

"You look better than when I last saw you." Ms James says after explaining my schooling plans.

"Yeah, I feel better. I just get tired easily." I say. "That should get better soon though." I say, holding back a yawn.

"Yeah I understand. But like I said at the beginning of the year; just say and you can take a break." She says, smiling warmly. I smile back and yawn, sending the hint that I need to rest. Ms James soon leaves but I do not look forward to going to bed. I miss the view. I know it's most likely that Jacob has his blinds down and I don't have to worry about seeing him but I can't risk it. He is making the choice to forget me; he is making the choice to move on. It will be easier for him, but it's not a choice for me; and it will be hell for me to move on from him. So I can't even risk seeing him.

Slowly but surely things go back to what they used to be. I still have Jacob's time table for school so I choose times when he won't be there to go in. It's a system that has worked so far, I have only seen him once, and he at least pretended not to see me which I am grateful for. I still get tired easily but it's no different than before, I just wish I had Jacob as the reason again. The only other difference is another scar, unless you count the sadness that always lingers around me.

It's rare that I have to be up late but tonight it's dark when the first twinge of tiredness creeps up on me. I don't have to go to bed straight away anymore so I get up from the sofa and walk outside. It's just warm enough for me to look out and see the moon reflect on the pool. As I look I see a gentle haze build from the water and I remember that my grandma turned the heating for the pool on last week. I take off my shoes, socks and jeans before dipping my big toe in the water.

The pool lights are the same as Jacobs, they turn on with motion. As they turn on adrenaline flows and any tiredness I felt goes away. I walk in slowly, even though it's inviting I enjoy the transition. Once I stand on the shallow end I submerge completely and swim to the glass edge. I rest on the edge and I look at the moon's reflection on the ocean. It calms me more than anything has in months. I close my eyes for a second, just to cherish the feeling. I hear a slight tick and when I open my eyes the lights are off; making the experience ten times more powerful.

"Here's a towel." My grandma says, leaving a fluffy white towel on the sun lounger. I smile and move carefully to not turn the lights on again. I lose myself in the view, the stars shine so brightly without any light pollution. It almost brings a tear to my eye how well this makes me feel. But what makes me cry is that he is not here too.

The mood sours the beauty of the night and I walk out of the pool. I take off my damp top and hug the fluffy white towel, wiping my tears away with it. I hold myself for a while, hoping that I can calm myself. My eyes sting from the mascara I was wearing so I blink, only to see Jacob's pool light on. He stands there, watching me, his face unreadable. My hear sings, he will walk over to the fence and jump over; hold me himself and let me feel whole.

But he just stands there, watching. As my heart drops so does my towel, I stand there in only my white matching underwear. Black mascara falling slightly I close my eyes again and look to my left. I open them again and just walk back inside, still wet and cold. I walk upstairs to my viewless room and I have a hot shower when I realise that he won't care. And I have to accept that.

I am too broken for him.