sign {h.s.}

chapter one

"JUST CONSIDER IT lucky that Caleb is fucking the dean's daughter," Connor pants as he slams the last box down on my dorm bed.

The room is decently sized, but my entire family—adamant about joining me—makes the space feel incredibly small. I suppose that tends to happen when four, fully grown men are in one small dorm room together. Christian, my oldest brother, is in the corner setting up the small flat screen that I brought with my father. Connor, my youngest brother, had been helping me carry in the boxes from the car. Caleb, my second oldest brother, was sprawled out on my bed texting his "girlfriend" who is not really his girlfriend. He is the only one who gets a free pass, considering that it was his relationship with his "girlfriend" that got me here in the first place. Caleb is about as noncommittal as they get. While he has been with Hannah for about two years now, he still refuses to admit that they're dating.

"Connor, please don't give me that visual," my mother comments, pausing all of the folding, unfolding, and hanging to give him a dirty look. "So crass," she mumbles under her breath, shaking her head as she turns to face my small closet once more.

My brother holds his hands up in surrender as he leans up against a pile of boxes, "I mean, it's true. If we didn't know Han there's not a chance that they would have accepted Cassidy's application so far past the deadline."

And, as much as it pains me to say it: my brother is right.

Initially, I wasn't sure if college was for me. So, I took a gap year. I used it wisely. I traveled the country and got to spend time visiting family all over. It was good for me. At that point, I'd hardly left my hometown of Hingham, Massachusetts. By the end of the year, I'd visited—or at least driven through—nearly all of the continental states.

That trip solidified one thing for me: I wanted at least some level of a degree. I spent a lot of time thinking about who I am and what I want for myself. During that time, I really questioned what I wanted a degree for—why I thought I would need it. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I am interested in people, in culture. That was all it took to push me to getting my associate degree in sociology at a two-year community college. Surprisingly, I wasn't satisfied. I felt that I wanted more.

Again, I asked myself what I wanted. Though I was not necessarily compelled to continue a track of studies focused on sociology, I was inclined to continue in that same vein. So, I decided that I would go for my bachelor degree in communications at UMASS Amherst. Public relations and media studies are my present track of interest, another area that piqued my interest following my gap year.

I suppose I am making this sound linear. As though these things happened calmly and on time. That, perhaps, would be my biggest deception of all. It was well past the submission deadline for applications at UMASS when I finally decided that I wanted to apply. At this point, it was just fortunate that we were family friends with the dean. He managed to slip my application into the pile, pretending that it was on time.

Lucky as I felt, I knew such things would eventually run out. It happened when Hannah looked at me with her big eyes and delivered the message that housing had filled up fast. I had come in late. She said that they couldn't promise anything, but they'd do their best. At this point, I assured her, I would take anything.

A couple of weeks later, I heard back: Lola Stevens.

In the email by which I was given her name, there was a university email that I could use to contact her. I did, immediately. She was to be my first roommate. I was excited to meet her. In my head, there were these stereotypical images of the girls who are randomly assigned as roommates and then become best friends. In this way, I suppose I am a bit of an optimist; idealist. The first crack in the glass appeared when I couldn't find any sort of tie to her. No social media accounts existed in her name. Lola Stevens, technologically speaking, did not exist.