My Expressions, Poetry Creations

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This isn't what I wanted, nor what I meant to become...

That first stanza in my poetry was actually directed to me, I thought to myself,
I became a fool, because I disobeyed my instincts once again,
I didn't know what I was doing anymore, I asked myself why I felt down,
Everythin' around me was changing, and you were one of the first to fall down.

I know what I asked you back at the balcony wasn't the right thing to do,
Or even a necessity - but I chose it for you,
Maybe a part of me wanted to grow closer with you,
Despite everythin' around me, I wanted to find some peace and closure.
I may be in the wrong, I probably wasn't right,
But what else could I do? I was only a human, one day away from a fight,
I was hoping and fighting something would be different,
But it seems the curse in me won't let me keep my people, it wasn't different.

I think you mistaken me, I wasn't growing close with anyone else,
I tried to control myself and my actions, no "liking" another friend,
Even when I felt for someone before during our time together,
I never let that get in the way of my relationship with others.
I don't know if what you received a while ago is what you mean by me getting closer,
I only hugged a person, she was down below the shoulder,
I only helped the person up, not leaving her behind,
I told myself to choose the merciful side, I can't leave people behind.

I don't know if you mean the friend I was into,
I chose to disregard my feelings already - we were broken in two,
After you and I departed, I chose to finally cut that off,
Only there and then did I notice the harm it caused.
I guess it was too late, I lost friendships and some people,
I still fight here today for the memories I cherish on,
I don't really wanna lose you, it reminds me of my past,
The same very damned reason - I never wanted to be close anymore, damn.

I guess my human being still craves for people to cherish,
I told you I was confused, I wanted it to perish,
The side of me which got involved with people -
It was something that confused me, my experience and my people.

If I can't get back the friendship we had, I'll respect your decision to leave you alone in a snap,
But don't you think I won't be watching...
I'll still be here, taking glances and praying,
Maybe someday, something will change,
But I'm not sure anymore, I can't interfere with the game,
Let life take its flow, the memories and the change.
The concept of misunderstanding, it won't be rid of till we clear,
If you want to clarify some things, I'm willing to be here,
My arms will always be open, even if you'll hate me, dear.