The Vows

The Vows: Part 1

Amidst of so many chaos, there I was, standing firm like a rock, barricading the hurdles and trying to infuse myself with the outer energy of the world outside, enough to keep a tiny human alive in a dark cave like, hard as shell, nurturing on its own in a place called womb. I had kept him secure, and gave abounding comfort through the trails of my cord, sharing my breaths and cradling him in a twirling motion to let him know he wasn't isolated from the rest of me.

Moreover, I had always hallucinated a known whisper in my unconscious state calling my name repeatedly, penetrating his sotto voce in my soul, imploring me to break the promise I had made to ensure I would survive without it, but I never wanted to shatter the tiny fragments of hope which kept me alive all this time. I understood, I couldn't surpass my boundaries and divulge my past to anyone. It was only after a while, when I broke into reality from my spiritual world and realized someone was growling at me as I failed to comply to her attempts reaching out to me, my nurse Suzie. She was referring me as Mrs. Adika Rehan Khan, the name which had altered my entire existence not only because the name had changed my identity to an obscure altitude, but because I never wanted to appertained to the rights and privileges of the marriage Rehan and I were both bearing in. However, I still considered myself fortunate enough to have such supportive in laws. My mother in law, who associated me as her own daughter and my father in law who expanded his business so that I was able continue to have my career in it even after I get married to his son as I obtained a masters in finance.

I reminisced the time when I was graduating and was leading towards clutching the certificate of my hard work and the only man who captivated me to witness his eyes while it twinkled with pride, was my father in law. There, he took the oath from me so that I could sustain his business with my expertise and take his legacy forward along with his son when he would be no more, only to renege him later with disappointments. 

At the doctor's, I let the nurse know I was present and instantly followed her path as she was escorting me to my doctor, Dr. Rene; a gynaecologist, while I was trying to hold my white gown, a fitted bodice that came at a waist and then flared out to full floor length, almost tripping me over. After I juggled to finally reach her office, I greeted Dr. Rene with a smile, but her eyes remained goggled at the entrance door, expecting to see Rehan, but as usual her hope demolished within seconds. She attempted to ascertain the cause of his absence even that day, but I refused to provide her any explanations. Dr. Rene was keeping me under her surveillance for many reasons, one to keep a close eye at my pregnancy and second, most importantly she was keen to know why Rehan was inflexible with my appointments. Perhaps, it was because my relationship with Rehan contained nothing, but lack of substance, lack of communication and lack of understanding. I was left with only one excuse to evade Dr. Rene from asking further questions and that was my mother in law. She needed Rehan more than I would ever want him. Indeed, I was pregnant for roughly four months now, and Dr. Rene had never seen him except the first two initial visits for the sake of being recognized as my husband. Obviously, Dr. Rene didn't think there was any factual statements in any of my obscure explanations. After all, my respond to her had always been consistent over the course of my visits to the appointments. At times, Dr. Rene had doubtful assumptions whether Rehan was really my husband because she has not seen a couple unyielding towards the most auspicious joy of their lives of having a child. Sometimes there was no need to unveil your privacy to anyone even for a moment. I was rather content being independent because I knew I could handle everything on my own like I had been doing it for the last four months. I had explicated Rehan's perspective on my pregnancy, he was never ready for the child and didn't care for these extensive development taking place as he already had so many things on his plate. Therefore, Rehan and I didn't share such a platform where we could conveniently rely on each other for big or small matters. Our relationship was way too complicated than people in our community thought it was when we took vows unwillingly and got married.