The Vows

The Vows: part 4

As the sun was on the horizon, and the chirping sounds of the birds infiltrating my half-opened window, I could hear my mother talking to someone on the phone. To me, it seemed her night had been sleepless as I could hear her yawn simultaneously and groaning sometimes. I was laying lethargic on the rock-solid bed, my eyes were still clamped together as if I had been sleeping for eternity and when I tried to move the surface of my body, I felt a heavy weight pressing me against the bed. I slithered my finger on my face and I could smell henna still fresh in my hands. Then, I glided my fingers towards my head, I could grope my ornaments clung on my head and a bridal drape still hitched to my hair. I couldn't fathom these unusual sensory. "Was I dreaming?" I asked to myself. Suddenly, I could feel the chills in my goosebumps, the things stuck to my body commemorated the accident scene like a video tape replaying in my head. A shudder ran through me as I visualized Zain's corpse sitting on my lap and then he was taken away from me, far away in the ambulance.

"Zain!", I was jolted awake by the sound of a thunder from a thunderbolt. Gone were the rays of sunshine, instead huge globs of water were whamming down on the window. It started to rain heavily and I was sitting on my bed, unable to discern the kind of concussion I just went through. The constant question 'where was my Zain' was looming consistently in my head. Then, I heard the footsteps approaching me, I saw my mother came darting towards my room, immediately held me tight in her warmth and tried to mollify me with her condolences. She knew I was never going to prevail the storm from wrecking my soul and so she let them crush my entire existence one last time before I could re-emerge stronger than before, at least she thought she could mount her hope on it. I pressed my palms on to the bed sheet and began to cry with a force of a person vomiting on all fours. I clenched my fists tight and my mother could hear it all, she didn't know how to calm the silent war I was battling in my mind. The only thing my mother could do was to cling me to her lap as I hissed a breath through my lungs, but my throat held back something between sob and a yell. After couple of hours, I was able to bolster my spirit and stood up on my feet. My outfit was hefty than my soulless body when I was floundering to the bathroom to get change. My intention was to get off from this outfit burdening me enough to suffocate me in the misery of being a widow. But I didn't know how to divulge this sickening reality to my own mother. However, I thought the best way to show what probably no mother would ever want to see is their daughter arrayed like a widow. Surely after some time, I followed my intuition and garbed in a plain black outfit when I got out from the bathroom. My mother was completely astounded, but was afraid to question my dignity.

"You must be kidding me Adika. Are you trying to tell me what I am fearing for?" She asked me pleadingly.

"I am sorry mamma. I have dishonored your trust. I don't know how to say, but this is my reality from now as I was once a married woman to Zain." I ratified the confession to my mother unnerved. I didn't know what else to say so I deeply apologized and howled in distress in front of her. But my mother couldn't entirely believe me. She thought maybe I did lose my mind and that I was turning into an insane human being due to the recent trauma.

"Where are the Nikah papers? What proofs do you have to show to me Adika?" Surely, it was inevitable that her questions were headed towards imminent doubts which were justified. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to scrape my mind to regain the integrity of those papers. My hands were quivering in guilt as I was continuously pressuring my thoughts to find out where could I or Zain have possibly placed those documents. I collapsed on the floor sniveling in grief.

"Please trust me on this one last time as I have disrespected your faith, but I swear upon my deceased husband that I am not lying." With a deep appeal in my heart, I asked my mother to consider this truth as a veritable reality. I wasn't sure if she understood my stance that I had no traces of my proof to show it to her at that point, but I plighted to get it as soon as I would restore my state of mind which was passing by heavy turbulence.