The Writer and The Photographer: Passion

Chapter 18: You should start collecting your Rainbows

Four hours had passed since Bea had finished talking; time spent signing endless books and posing for countless pictures. Most of the students had left for home but a few had returned with siblings or parents who also wanted to meet Bea.

A local newspaper had sent a photographer but Louisse had refused to let him step on what she considered her territory. Instead she had agreed to email a few shots of her own, an agreement with which Bea was very happy. Louisse, she knew, would only allow the best pictures to be published and had the sense of mind not to include the faces of anyone who had not given permission. Their night was nearly over with only a meal and a hot shower standing between them and blissful sleep.

A gentle cough broke the moment and Louisse rose to her feet as Bea looked up. Neither woman was surprised to see Jo standing before there. She smiled warmly at the girl. "Hey Jo. I was hoping to get the chance to talk with you," Bea admitted.

"Why?" Jo immediately asked, suspicion widening her eyes and correcting her posture for a brief moment.

Bea chuckled. "Relax kiddo. I just had a feeling that you had something else to ask me, that's all."

"Oh," Jo replied, her eyes staring fixedly at the table in front of Bea. "Yeah, kinda. I guess."

"Great. What else can I tell you, Jo?"

"You went to school with my aunt."

"I did?" Bea asked, intrigued.

"Yeah, Suzanna."

"Ah," Bea breathed, recognising the name and immediately wondering where the conversation was headed. "Yes, I remember her. How is she?"

Jo laughed dryly. "Like you care. She told me that you were a weirdo and refused to take their advice about things."

"Advice?" Bea grinned, leaning back in her chair and indicating for Jo to sit in the empty one beside her. "I don't recall them ever giving me any advice. And I do care. Why wouldn't I?"

"I know she bullied you," Jo stated, stubbornly remaining on her feet. "She bullies everyone. I hate going over to her house when her friends Julia, Becky and Helen are there. The four of them are cruel bitches."

"Well I guess some things take longer to change than others." At Jo's confused expression, Bea shrugged. "Your aunt never liked me, which was fine. But if I got any of the other three alone, they were actually pretty fun.

To my thinking that means they were insecure and hid behind each other to get through. I imagine they must have been very unhappy to have been able to cause such misery in others."

"What are you? A Buddhist or something?" Jo's voice held a note of disgust and Bea shrugged.

"If I was?" she asked but Jo had no response. "Buddhism teaches you how to forgive and how to love each other regardless of colour, creed or persuasion. I like it but I don't follow it. I was fucking miserable at school and had no one to talk to about it. So I wrote. Writing truly did help to think beyond my misery and understand.

An insult is not an insult until you allow it to insult you. I guess I just learned not to give them the power." Silently Jo sunk into the empty chair, her gaze fixed on the floor between her feet. "It's not easy," Bea continued. "I never had much self-esteem to begin with and I agreed with half of what they said. Ask Louisse. She must have to remind me why she loves me every day. At least twice."

"But you're rich. And famous." Jo stated.

"Oh gods, that shit means nothing! It isn't what you have that counts when you're lying in the dark alone at night. It's who you are and how you treat others. You can't control other people, Jo, but you can control how you react to them. If you can look yourself in the mirror at the end of every day and know you did the best you could and you treated everybody with respect and decency, then you are a damn good person."

"Doesn't stop people picking on you."

"Nope, nothing will. But do you want to be a victim for the rest of your life?"

Slowly Jo shook her head. "I wanna write. They all tease me about that. And ... and I'm not like the other girls. I don't want to go out with boys."

"Okay, well the writing I encourage and if you are serious then I'll give you my email address and maybe we can toss ideas back and forth. As for the other ... you're what? Fifteen?" Jo nodded and Bea stopped for a second, knowing her advice could end up being a huge influence in girl's decisions.

"There's no rights or wrongs about sexuality, kiddo. We are what we are and we like what we like. All I can tell you is do what feels right. Don't look to the actions of other people for direction. Look inside yourself, find your own compass and go with it."

"What's it like to be lesbian?" she asked. "I mean how did you know for sure?"

"Being lesbian feels powerful. Like being a writer. The conviction of knowing it without a doubt is exhilarating. I didn't know for a long time. Not until I saw a movie called L Word. It was the first time I ever saw a lesbian relationship in action. I saw the love between two women is a beautiful, sensual thing and I realised that was what I wanted. I didn't want what you see between a man and a woman; I wanted Tina Kennard thank you very much."

"Sweetie, do you think you might be lesbian?" Louisse asked carefully, sitting gently on the table.

"I don't know," Jo answered, lifting her eyes for the first time.

"Okay," Louisse murmured. "Let's try something. Look at Bea. What do you want? Ignore everything else in this room; focus on Bea and tell me what you want."

Jo took a deep breath, sat up straighter and looked at the writer. She closed her eyes for a second, then opened them and studied Bea. "I ... I want," Jo shook her head and started to stand but Louisse was quicker, grabbing her arm and urging her to wait.

"It's okay, hon. Trust me, it's okay. Tell me."

"I want to be closer to her."

"Okay," Louisse nodded. She looked around at the thinning number of people in the hall until she found what she wanted. "Now look at that guy over there. In the leather jacket. Look at him and tell me what you want."

"Nothing," Jo shrugged. "His jacket."

"Nothing else?" Louisse asked with a smile.

"No."

Louisse nodded. "Then in my opinion, you should start collecting rainbows."

"Lou!" Bea laughed. "You can't say that!"

"Why not?" the photographer asked, with a shrug.

"It's a little more involved than a simple do you want her or do you want him!"

"Not really," Jo smiled. "I think I knew anyway. And to be honest all I have to do is look at Louisse to know I'm a lesbian."

The women both roared with laughter, causing everyone to look their way. "Oh hell, honey. You can't use her as any kind of judge. Louisse could make Mother Vanessa question her vows!"

"Jo?" a voice asked shyly and Bea looked to see George standing a few feet away. "Um, my brother is giving me a ride home and I wondered if you'd like a lift? You live quite close to me don't you?"

"Yeah. I'm at the bottom of the hill," Jo confirmed. "I'd love a lift, thanks."

"All right, my little lebby! Go forth and embrace the colour of your destiny!" Louisse said giving the girl a warm hug.

"Seriously?" Bea asked. "'Embrace the colour of your destiny?' Stick to real pictures, Sugar, and leave the metaphorical ones to me." Bea handed Jo one of her business cards and gave her a hug. "You ever need to talk or if you want some help with writing, just use the card, okay kiddo? Anytime. I'd love to hear from you. We both would."

The women watched Jo leave before saying their final farewells to the last few people and walking out into the night. Louisse allowed Bea to lead the way, happy just to hold her hand as they strolled through the dark grounds. As if she had been there only the day before, Bea led Louisse around the school buildings, telling stories and sharing memories of her days there.