Alone

Feelings

"Okay," Jack smiled and then I felt that warm feeling on my lips again but this time I actually put my whole body in and Jack, well, I can feel him smiling and it made me smile. After we had a moment of silents, he started to take my shirt off.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"Just go with it. It's okay, I wont hurt you."  

And then, I remembered that I was his doll for the WHOLE day.  After I felt my shirt being dropped beside me, I felt his whole body drop on me and I knew that it felt good but, I didn't wont him to know because, I knew that he will probably will want this all the time. But, do I  want this? I have so many feelings right know that I have never had before and I really need them to stop. But, it makes me feel happy? WHY DO I HAVE THESE FEELINGS!!! First I was normal, but then, I was scared, confused, happy, frightened, and know, I'M FREAKING OUT!!! Why is he so good at just being.... what am I saying? I don't love him. Do I?.... 

The past: 'Why mom!!! Why wont you let me go out and hang out with Brook? I'm in MIDDLE SCHOOL!!! Why wont you let me go?' 'Because I say so and your farther isn't here.' 'Who care's if dad is here! I want to go out with Brook!!! I'm going to go out if you like it or not. You NEVER let me go shopping, you NEVER tucked me in at night, and you NEVER, not even ONCE, told me that you loved me? So, why does it matter that I go out? YOU don't care about me?!' 'You little...'  right then she took my wrist and took me to the kitchen. 'What are you doing!!! Let me go!!' As I was trying to pull free she took a knife and with the flat part, she slapped me with it. ' Aghhhh!!!' 'That would teach you to NEVER talk to me OR your farther like that!!! Even if what you said is true!!! We have you now, and NOW we have to deal with you!' 'SO YOU NEVER WANTED ME!!! IS THAT TRUE!!!' When I said that she took her hand and slapped me hard in the face. 'YOU WILL NEVER GO AND HANG OUT WITH BROOK IF THIS IS HOW YOU ARE GOING TO ACT YOUNG LADY!' And out of no where she took the bottom of the knife and slapped the same side of the face really hard, toward were I was bleeding, and let go of me wrist. When I looked down at my wrist, it was red from where my mom have had been holding really hard the whole time. 'NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM AND NEVER SHOW YOUR FACE AGAIN!!!'....

"Hey, Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

When I came back to reality, I realized I was crying the whole time. Once I realized, I pulled my self up so I can wipe away the tears.

"Yeah, sniff  I'm fine."

"You don't look like your fine? Did I hurt you in anyway?"

"NO! I was just, thinking, that's all..."

"Come on, you can tell me. I won't bring it up again."

 Once I breathed in and out I was ready to tell him. "You know how I told you that my parents never loved me?"

"Yeah, was there more to that" As he got up to turn on the lights he picked up my shirt and gave it to me. Before I said anything he gave me time to put my shirt on.

"When I was in middle school I wanted to hang out with Brook at nights because my parents never cared to do anything nice for me like Brook's mom does and says to her. So, one night I was going to go out with her to go do things with her and when I asked my mom she, she told me that I wasn't going out with Brook because my dad wasn't home..." I never knew talking about this was so hard for me, but to add to that, the only person I told was my best friend and that's when we made the future plan to run away.

"I...I was mad because.... I knew... that they didn't.... care about me, and... it was, SO hard... for me... to live somewhere.... where.. your own PARENTS.... wont tuck you in a nights, say they love you, or let you do anything....." After that I couldn't handle it anymore. I was balling my eyes out, I couldn't deal with this anymore. As I was crying Jack took me and was giving me a hug while I was crying and for some reason, it made me feel better.

"MY OWN PARENTS, DIDN'T EVEN WANT ME!!! My mom said that she had me now and now she has to deal with me!!! And then..." I stopped and he took his hand and gentle pulled my head up so I can see him.

"And then, what?"

"And then, she abused me with a knife...." And then I stared crying again and he put me back into his arm's.  

"It's okay, none of them are here. Is that why you left with your friend?"

"Yes, I didn't want to have my life be with those people who didn't even care about me, "