In Progress

1

Have you ever had something so hard to say that you can feel the words drag through your throat? Kind of like dry swallowing pills but somehow worse. That's what's happening now, except that's exactly how it feels 40 times over. That is to say that I'm trying to speak after swallowing 40 sleeping pills and more than a few shots of vodka. I fill the bathtub with lukewarm water, just to try and relax while it takes affect. At first, I thought about slitting my wrists but then the thought of someone else finding me was disgusting. I know that there is no pretty way to do this but, can't one way be 'better' than another? 

I'm sure most people would wonder "Why?" but I guess that's the whole reason. Why? Why am I here? Why is this my path? Why is this the way I feel. I suppose it'll depend on who you ask. If you asked my therapist he'll tell you it's the situation and my reaction. If you ask Kallie, the one person who means the most, it's my old soul. If you ask me I won't know what to tell you, maybe it's because I was so angry I pushed everyone away. Maybe it's because I don't know how to live the way I should have been. Maybe, most likely, this just wasn't the life I was supposed to live. That happens sometimes. Sometimes your soul gets mixed up and you're put in the wrong body at the wrong time. And, of course I know, that's small images compared to the big but... The small can outweigh the big. A lot of the time it does. 

So... Where does that put me now? half awake in my tub. I can feel my body dragging, I can feel all of the weight in the world pressing down my tired body. I can feel all of the pressure in my belly willing me to puke up all of this poison but of course I won't. Of course the last sound I can hear is my mother screaming, BEGGING for this not to be real. I can feel my father lift my limp body from the water. I feel my head and my eyes roll back and soul float off. I finally feel light and airy, the way I've been trying to be. So, it puts me right where I want to be. 

Then, suddenly, I feel it all again. Every last bit of what I was feeling hit my like a fucking freight train. I can make out blazing lights through my closed eyes and I can feel something fidgeting around in my arm. I want to rip my arm away but I can't move. I don't know if it's the overwhelming pressure or if I'm too scared to will myself to. I can feel tears rolling down my eyes and I can hear someone else sobbing. I open my eyes and finally make out where I am. a fucking hospital. I feel my mom's body suddenly on mine. 

"WHAT THE FUCK"

"Asha! Oh my god, ASHA! Baby, you're okay... You're gonna be okay"

I know she's trying to be loving and reassuring but I can't stand the idea of this.

"I don't want to be okay! I want to be dead, mom. Why the fuck can't you get that?"

I shove her body off of me while I scream, I just scream and scream until both my parents leave the room. I just lie in bed screaming until my voice gives out and the only thing that can escape my lips are small squeaks. I try to thrash out of anger but something brings me back into unconsciousness. I feel like I should be dreaming, I should be something but instead I'm drowning in blackness. I know I should hate it but it feels like relief, it feels like nothing. Nothing is good compared.