In Progress

2

It's been a few days since I woke up initially, a really irritating few days. Right now I'm sitting in group therapy just fidgeting with my hospital bracelet. I can only hear half the conversation going on, something about how we make our own paths. I try to will myself to pay attention but ever since those sleeping pills I'm constantly half asleep. I don't really mind though, I don't want to drag myself back into reality. 

"Asha? Care to involve yourself?"

I have attended this group everyday since waking up and everyday she asks me this, I always give the same answer. A simple shake of my head and then breaking eye contact usually works, but not today. Another resident pipes in, an older man, I guess not much older but still. 

"Come on, Asha, I want to hear why"

He sounds so snarky, he speaks with this air about him that I just don't like. He's been here a while it seems, he knows all the orderlies and all the doctors. He likes to take the younger patients under his wing but if you ask me, it's creepy. It feels like he's preying on us.

"Why?"

His eyes light up when I finally speak and I can see the rotors in his head begin to move as he thinks of his replies. They come slow but I guess a bullet to the brain will do that to you. 

"Ah! So that's what you sound like, I was beginning to think you were ashamed of yourself"

"The only thing I'm ashamed of is being here"

"Well, sweetheart, you put yourself here"

sweetheart. God, I wish I could slit his wrists for him. 

"You're right I did. However, being here was not the intention. It wasn't a cry for help, it was a genuine attempt"

"The rest of ours weren't? I mean, I think my attempt was pretty genuine but I don't walk around here sulking. Now, why don't you tell us why?"

"Why did I attempt to kill myself? Maybe I wanted to die, it isn't that deep. Life isn't that fucking deep, dude. This shit is literally like standing in a shower that isn't running. I wasn't running from it or sick of the pain, I was just done being alive. Now, why did you do it? Oh, right, you're wife left you, and you want to talk about sulking. You cheated on your wife and told her she was the reason you cheated and then she left you. You aren't some sad statistic, you're a sad boy with a god complex!"

The sly grin disappeared from his face. Lydia, the group leader, no longer smiling. She crossed her arms and furrowed her brow at me.

"Asha, you know you can't say those types of things in group. It's a safe space, remember?"

"Fuck that, I don't feel so safe with him prowling the halls looking for girls with eating disorders. Telling them he can make them all better with his dick"

"Enough, Asha. We clearly have some things that need to be worked out with this group. We'll revisit that tomorrow but for now, I think it would be best if Asha was placed in a different session. So, she can stick around and join me again for the next one"