I have a soul

Fourteen

Trip

It was good to be out of Kansas, the fact that we were still alive said a lot.
The dehydration still hit me like a brick without food. I hadn't been eating again, nerves... but water was my own stupid mistake and blacking out in the black hills was on my back alone.
We hadn't even stopped through Nebraska, Warren pushing a cars engine to its limit and when it broke apart we started walking again.
Doc put smelling salts under my nose was worse though, Warren over me too. "You were more dehydrated than us, why didn't you say something? We camp here tonight, drink fluids or else."
Doc pulled me up by the armpits up toward a lake we stopped at, "cool off too, it'll help."
Which promptly ended in me being shoved in. They hurried the other way, my head aching like a bullet had hit it. Cass had put my bag on the beach as I scrambled freezing out to my pack and dried off with the only fluffy towel I had.
And as usual I made my own fire, but this time I was glad. I was so cold, furious too, that they were better off away from me.
   I coughed, pulling my blanket around me, water near over-boiling.
  Tom came down with fishing line as I started to drink the pot dry.
  What the heck has been going on between us?
I couldn't call him Tom now, couldn't call him 10k, both were giving me heartaches the size of Kansas.
  Instead I slid down beside him, shivering. "If you're cold, you should be by your fire."
   I shook my head and he sighed sliding his coat off and putting it around my arms. It smelled like him still, how he did back at the lake.
  "You're quiet," he whispered and my mouth pursed, blush creeping up my entire frame. What is this pounding in my chest.
   I turned, the thought of our exchange the other day burning my cheeks even hotter. "What?" He gasped, looking at me like I was nuts, "come on Trip say something."
  I tried and failed to spit words out. Come on, I need to tell him I can't. I can't.
  If we're looking for Evan I can't get involved with him. Nor do I think I can handle him that close if my mother keeps her promise.
    "Come on," he said dropping the line and shaking me. "We're finally alone, speak to me, speak."
I let my emotion get the best of me and pulled him close enough to swallow his breath.
   His hands shook on my arms as I pulled away, "Trip?" He whispered surprised and I cursed, putting my face in my hands. "I can't... I can't do this," I choked and his hand gripped mine, "what? Talk to me. You don't have to do anything you don't want to."
"Tom," I choked and he went stiff at the use of his real name. "Go on."
"I'm frightened of my mothers promise."
"Oh," he wheezed and blinked at me, "oh, wait you feel the same?" He commented and I glared. "I'm so very confused on how I feel right now. I'm being torn to pieces Tom."
He winced, "talk to me."
So I broke down and decided I'd best explain as much of my pain as I could.
"Alright," I wheezed and fiddled with the little patch on the sleeve.
"Your dad reminded me that I didn't have to be an adult as a child. That I was a child still and people were supposed to boss me around but for my own good, not greed, not... power. When mom ordered..."
I choked on my breath, "I blame myself, I blame every bone in my body because she hates me for something. I know she does and you haunt me," I wheezed even harsher.
"Trip," he managed but I was on a roll now. "Every time I let myself think about those nights. I remember the sound of glass breaking and your yelling. I remember the cold suffocating water of that lake and my fathers blood covering..."
I started hyperventilate a bit, putting my face against my knees. "Im living proof of insanity, in like shards of glass inside that don't want to melt back together again.
  To face what's coming I don't want you to see what she may do. What I may do... because I have such a hard time picking out right and wrong now, especially when it comes to my mother.
   And I can't... I can't kill her. I know you hate her, I hate her too, but I can't repeat the lake."
It came out as a sob, "I can't repeat those god awful mistakes. Let myself be a monster they say I am. If I let you close with her hunting us, I'll never forgive myself."
"Trip."
"My name is Juliet," I whispered and he froze. I glanced over, the name had been buried in me so long it didn't seem to exist.
"Juliet Richards, My brothers called me Julie, or Jay."
He touched my arm hesitant, "I was born in a nothing town, my mother cheated on my father. Evan is my half brother, Karen's current husbands son. Which makes me think they have him. They won't hurt him. And he's probably the only safe one there, at least they love him."
I glanced up, "Brian didn't like us. He broke my nose once, august... august has burns from cigars across his arm."
I laughed a bit nervous, "so when your dad treated you so good at first I got jealous. Though Roger and Jane were... were so good to me. They loved us so much, but I never witnessed that devotion a parent shows their blood child really until then. I hated you at first Tom. I hated that you were blind to how good you had it."
My breath hitched and I couldn't stop, couldn't keep the words in now. It was too late.
"August never spoke to me again after that night, the night they took us away. Sam and Grace say I didn't speak for six months, I was seven. I don't remember much of anything that year. It's all so fuzzy. Evan, he called me every single night though. They took him and maybe that's why mom despises us. If so, why not hunt August if he's even alive. I just... I want to heal."
I let the words out painfully, like a wound lacerating my chest. "I want to heal so bad, but every time I think those shards have rounded off a bit, something like your fathers death, garnetts, something bad happens and if I let you any closer right now with everything going on Tom. I don't think I'll survive. Because I do feel something for you, something I can't even find the words for. You make me calm, and happy, you make the pain go away. I'm not going to say this can't happen because that may wound me worse. I'm only going to say not yet."
He was silent, so silent as we sat there for what felt like hours. "Oh Trip," he breathed and I glanced over stunned to his wide eyes on the water. "Can I tell you a story too?"
I nodded, "of course."
"Dad used to howl through the night, he used to drink and wake crying for mercy. Just like you do. Or did."
My spine went rigid, "I knew what you must've been going through those nights. Our walls were connected unlike dads. I heard you toss and turn crying out names. Begging for mercy. Sanchez, Kyle, Guthrie..." my heart was going to beat out of my chest, "I heard you cry and I heard you scream, but there would be other nights. Nights where you'd cry for something else entirely."
I blinked toward him, "you'd beg for them not to go, you'd beg for your family to stay, for them to love you,"
Tears dropped down my face and onto the coat, "and later when we were trapped in that tree together the first night dad got sick, you whispered half asleep an apology. You said you were a pawn, and you were sorry I was one too."
A lump filled in my throat, "you fell asleep on my arm, shivering and begged for me to forgive you. I didn't know entirely for what but I did anyways. I accepted whatever you'd do, or had done a long time ago Trip. I accepted that staying with you could put me in mortal peril, but my life is hell too without you. And knowing and burying this will still leave it to fester if she blows my brains out."
I pinned him to the sand, "don't, don't you dare say that," I wheezed my tears hitting his cheeks, "Tom, please don't say that," I choked and he smirked.
"But I'd wait, I'd wait until you healed."
My head hit his forehead and something in me did heal them. Something immensely important, and that was the ability to feel wanted. Someone wanted me after all.
And for that I kissed him once more before returning to my fire.
He sat across from me awkward with two fish later. "Can I cook them here?"
"Sure," I breathed, unrolling my pack and trying to shift my blanket around to feel comfortable.
He laid out his and slid me a plate soon enough. "Thanks," I whispered, pulling bones from the fillet. I was hungry, hadn't eaten in days either. Looking out over the lake I wondered if Warren would be opposed to us staying here another day to recharge and do laundry.
I felt so calm all the sudden, relaxed, as if the biggest weight of all time had been lifted.
"Can I call you Jay?" He asked and I blinked over my shoulder with dishes in hand.
"Call me what you like," I said with a smirk and he snorted.
"Maybe sometimes. For now Trip may be best. To me you'll always be the awkward girl who fell."
"And you'll be the one who eavesdrops apparently."
He snorted and I gave back the dishes, sliding under my blanket. I was freezing and even with his coat... I wouldn't warm up.
He only had a fleece lined tarp looking thing and out of desperation. I dragged my blanket over and covered him.
He blinked at me clutching his coat. "Are you hot or something? It's like forty degrees out."
I leaned down and roughed up his hair. "Hence why I'm coming over here. I'm freezing so you are too."
He blushed, "are you sure?"
"I'm not asking for anything other than some extra warmth, but I can go share with someone up the hill if you'd like."
He shook his head at the thought, lifting the blankets up.
"Sheesh, you are cold," he muttered when I settled and I fiddled with the patch on his jacket, eyeing the tarp. "In case it rains. We'll be somewhat dry at least."
I shrugged and put my nose against his chest, his heart pounding loud enough to hear. "I make you nervous?" I asked and he nodded. "Like I do to you."
The boy wasn't blind, I'd give him that.
"There's other things, I never told you about the outsiders, about the Silents."
"Ok."
"They knew this was coming."
His body stiffened against me, "what?"
I sighed and rubbed my hands, "you saw Jane and Rogers house. That happened day one. I was... I was at school when it happened. Grace called me after she had found them. they had the outsider emblem branded on their foreheads."
He choked on a breath, "hell trip. And you've been walking around this entire time with this information?"
"Thought you'd hate me again."
"Touché," he breathed, arm brushing mine.
He was closer than I ever thought he'd be, thought anyone would be.
"So, I know my parents were up to something before, maybe part of a terror group or a gang, something that has to do with this bloody virus."
"It would explain how they both came to power so fast," he whispered.
His breath tickled my neck now too, heat flaming across the exposed skin.
I was a mess.
Such a mess.
He pulled at the locket and I froze, letting him look at the initials carved in it. "I was named after my grandmothers it's her locket," I whispered.
"These are your brothers," he whispered and I nodded, staring at the flames of the fire ahead. "I never take it off, never took it off once."
"Why?"
"I..." I swallowed, "it was all I had to remember their faces. Remember they existed."
"Oh," he whispered and closed it with a click.
My eyes were getting heavy, "things could get worse Tom. If..."
"I have nothing left to lose Trip... think about that. There's a good reason I've been alone so long, why I go by 10k."
"You're still him, Tom I mean from the lake. Sometimes I notice it more than others. Especially because of the boots."
He frowned, "my boots, right. A mark for every important event. Need to add two new ones."
"Why?"
"For one, I've finally kissed you. Big hurtle had to jump through," he said and I snorted.
"And the second?" I asked.
"You told me your name."
I rolled over so our gazes held and I let my mothers threat die. Let everything, every hate, concern, fear, I let it die there, because it seemed finally I wasn't afraid of the would be ghost haunting me.
His breath was a gust against my nose, "yes?" He asked, mocking, knowing exactly what this felt like before pulling at my mouth and waiting was moot. He had a point, she'd kill us or she wouldn't. And if she did, no point in wasting the time I had.
His hand stopped on the mark on my wrist, pulling it up to examine better. The cold air on it made me shiver. "Cold still?"
"The mark is always more sensitive. I feel the heat in it still from the branding, at least that's what it feels like."
He kissed that mark, "Tom," I whispered and he stopped, "all you need to do is tell me no, anytime it's too much."
"I will, I just... how are you so calm."
"My hearts racing isn't it?"
I touched his chest hesitant, I hadn't let people this close, and right now it felt foreign. Felt strange and I just put my head against that sound, a reminder of him being here really. Not a delusion again, not a ghost.
He became hesitant then, "what is it?"
"You're actually here, doesn't seem real," and my tired bones finally succumbed to the warmth. I fell into a sleep I hadn't expected and woke even more surprised to see he was still there. The sky was purple and grey, sun not fully up.
And there with his mouth hanging open nm was Doc.
I sprang away and toward my own, pack, Tom sitting right up and cursed. "Doc."
"What the hell happened last night?"
"Not a damn thing?!" I snapped and rolled my pack back up and Doc touched my arm and I flinched, embarrassment and... I hadn't done anything wrong but they would wonder.
"Hey, it was cold last night. I'm not judging. I just... didn't expect."
10k sighed, "she doesn't want to be judged for things that didn't happen when everyone is already pointing the finger. What did you want Doc?"
"Warren wants to know if it's safe to stay another day. Refuel, do some laundry?"
I nodded, "I'd say so, we're not on real bad turf at the moment."
He was much more hesitant for some reason today, "I'm not going to bite Doc, I'm just not used to people standing over me while I'm waking up is all."
"What did happen last night? What's been going on between the two of you?"
"Sorting out the past, talking," 10k said and I blinked at him, "I told him about Kansas, what I remember. How I became a silent."
"I'm impressed she didn't run away screaming," Doc said and smiled relaxed a bit, letting the bag fall open.
The others ventured down eventually to wash dishes, Tom fishing again and I went waste deep in shorts hiked as far as I could manage, scrubbing my clothes to their seams.
We all ate fish by my fire, Murphy though got nosy and had dug through my pack before I could stop him.
"What's this?" He asked, holding up a faded patch. Silent emblem stitched heavily into it. Then the bag of radio codes and...
I cussed at him and Warren grabbed it, "trip, what is all this?"
"It's for emergencies. When I need Jason's help with something. Burn them, I still remember the codes and frequencies. I have two sisters in this war, do you honestly think I'd stay in the dark. I listen when I can."
She stared at the patch, "but why this?"
Blood still soaked into its seams. I thought I'd be sick staring at it. 10k's eyes were on me. "My fathers," I managed and he cursed. "Trip."
"Don't Trip me, I... I found it in the snow and I couldn't drop it. A reminder."
"Of what?" Murphy snorted and Warren hushed him at the grief that surely past over my face. The self hatred, I'm a monster.
"If you touch her stuff again Murphy, I'll knock your teeth out," 10k said and we froze. I especially, Cassandra's mouth open.
Doc winced, as if to hint he was being too obvious.
"That a threat?" Murphy asked and I promptly hit him to the ground, flexing my fingers looking down at him, "that's for you and Mack conspiring. I know what you two did."
"How?" He hissed and I snorted.
"How else did Karen know where Garnett would be when Mack had all that other conspiring to do."
Warren dropped a spoon, the group looking at him and then it was an effort to keep her from killing him.
"Why?! Why would."
"She was supposed to kill you all?! Get me free!"
"She's threatened it, but one thing about my mother you should know idiot, she likes to draw things out, cause as much pain she can. If she keeps her threat, we're in for a world of pain. Including you idiot."
He went to swing and I hit him back to the ground, "I may have let you beat me again and again, but never again. You help the governments, I'll know, you betray us, I'll know and you'll regret it."
I looked at Tom, my temper near catching my tongue but I held it back. The group even more confused by that, especially him when I stormed off.
    I started pounding my fist against a tree and both 10k and Doc pulled me away, bloodied and confused. "Hey, take a breath."
"Get away from me," I snapped and they froze.
"What did we do?" Doc asked.
"Nothing," I choked and looked at 10k. "Don't defend me, don't... it only makes it harder."
His eyebrows knit together, "makes what harder?"
"The fact that most of the comments, gossip, they're real Tom. Mack... Mack was probably right about his dad."
Doc frowned as he gripped my face, "we covered this last night, I thought... i thought we were getting somewhere with all this."
  My heart ached and I ducked my head down gripping the dirt, "why can't I just burn that patch, why can't I step away."
Doc gripped my shoulder hesitantly too. "Honey."
No one had called me that in years. "Can I tell you a secret."
I glanced up, "parents screw up, and at times they'll never recover themselves. But it's never your fault when they torture you like this. When they can't forgive themselves for something they lash out, or do awful things."
He looked down ashamed, "I abandoned my family," he admitted and looked at 10k. "I was a stoner, a mess. I got married at seventeen when the girl I had been with had a son."
He stood and looked out over the lake, "and I walked clean away one day drunk out of my wits and just never returned. It was a disaster, every year I told myself to just call. And now. Now he's probably dead, I was too ashamed to call him, and I blamed myself getting worse. Shame rules the world Trip. Your mother and father must've done something truly terrible that they couldn't reflect it on themselves so they pointed it at you and your brothers.
  And you couldn't help but want them to love you so that's why you took that patch. Why you shook and cried in front of your mother. You're just a heartbroken girl looking for help."
My mouth shook, "you left them Doc, you left your family?"
He sank down near shaking something awful, "and he did the same thing to his daughters. His mother told me. I blame myself every day and wish that I could do something, anything to redeem that. I screwed up two generations."
   I hugged him and shook my head, "you're such a good person. You've repaid that debt, you're so good to everyone here. No one would put an ounce of faith or trust in me but you did. And I thank you for it."
  My breath eased and I looked back at 10k staring at Doc. I took a breath, and roughed his hair up, making him blink up at me surprised. "I need to learn to control my temper. I'm so sorry."
"Count back from ten," Doc said with a snort and I frowned confused. "Ten? Would that really work."
He shrugged, "some people claim it does."