White Christmas

7

I woke up with Mila's head on my chest. She was smiling up at me, but I didn't know how to react. I had never been in that situation before with anyone and it only made me more awkward with her.

"Morning, Iris," Mila kissed my jaw and her nose rubbed against my skin. It was a peaceful two seconds I didn't mind living in. The true terror broke out when I opened my mouth to respond as she played with a strand of my hair as she watched me. I felt my heart swell per usual whenever I saw Mila.

"Hey," I managed. I clamped my eyes shut tight and tried to ignore the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach that told me to replay the embarrassing moment on repeat forever. Instead of hearing laughter, however, Mila moved her hand across my stomach and nuzzled her head against my side again. I decided to let the silence sit comfortably over us, knowing that I could ruin it even faster by speaking as I had just seconds before.

If we were serious the night before and truly meant it, then it would be the quietest marriage ever witnessed to mankind. Mila would speak and I'd only nod or shake my head as I clearly couldn't be trusted with a simple good morning. Though perhaps the head movements offered too much room for error as well.

"How did you sleep?" Mila finally asked, looking up at me. Her eyes seemed bigger from that angle, more helpless. Vulnerability was never a look she wore out, but there was a tenderness behind her eyes that told me she was serious about everything she had previously confessed to me.

"Well," I responded curtly, "you?" Mila let out an audible nose exhale at my question.

"Best sleep I've had in years I think." Her eyes lost some of the shine as she looked anywhere but at me. It was like a small stab to the heart, but a wound nonetheless. "Were you serious last night? Did it mean anything to you?" She finally asked. Her tone was quiet as she spoke.

"I... I'm not sure. It was all so quick, you know? I can't say no to you though, you know that." The words spilled out before I could catch them and the look on Mila's face told me that I had done enough damage, so instead of trying to fix it, I had my lips on Mila's before I could say another word. She placed a hand on my chest but didn't push me away. It acted more as a stabilizer for her than a barrier between us and that was alright by me, but the moment she pulled away, reality snuck back in and we both took a hit from it.

"I just need to think right now. I'm sorry," Mila slipped out from under the sheets and scurried off to another room while I was left to sit alone with my thoughts. She ran away the second she broke off the kiss. My word meant more to her than I could ever comprehend.

Clearly, she meant something to me. I had never kissed anyone with a passion like hers. There was a feeling behind it that seemed almost impossible to name, but it was there and it was real. Whatever the term was, it was strong and only got stronger with time. She made something pull in my stomach and I even I knew I couldn't ignore it forever.

I spent the entire morning in bed thinking. I reminisced about every adventure Mila and I had been on together. Every time she curled up by my side "just cause," and every one of the many jobs Mila cycled through had only strengthened our relationship. I had been there through it all, so why was I so afraid of the commitment? I had already gone through hell and back with her so there was no reason why I should've been afraid to spend the rest of my life with her. To promise that I'd be right by her side always when that's where I've always been. It wasn't the intention, I overlooked that as quickly as it had come across my conscious, and I wasn't known for my array of exes or for the people who were lining up to date me because I had never been that girl. The root laid elsewhere and I strained myself trying to find it.

I decided to call off the overthinking for the day and make food. Mila was unsurprisingly cleaning up a bowl as I walked into the kitchen. Her head was down and her glasses were on as she walked past me and into the hallway. I heard the guest bedroom door close and I knew she was upset. She didn't even acknowledge me as she walked past. She was silent.

"Not good," I muttered to myself.

I poured a bowl of cereal for myself and ate it in silence with a single lamp illuminating the room. The sun was already down and though the snow was laying off, it was still too dangerous to go outside for more than a minute, so Mila and I would be stuck with the uncomfortable cloud hanging above us until we figured it out.

It was my fault but at the same time she put it all on the line and knew the risks. Neither of us wanted it to be like this but nobody was stopping it.

I had to put an end to it.