I Am Sorry, I Love You

Beam inhaled the air of the country he had been leaving for almost seven years. The warm weather -compared to the winter- even when it was rainy season, the humidity of the summer, the sky, the people, the language.

He went to South Korea once he graduated from the university earlier than Phana and Kit by a year. The feeling of wanting to escape from Forth and all the memories about that night was overwhelming and Beam went ambitious on his mark and grade in the campus.

He was straight and he didn't want to be with Forth at all. All he did that night, about Kit, about Forth, it felt unfamiliar, felt disappointing, felt strange. He felt like the person he always saw in the mirror every morning was eventually became a stranger. And it scared him. He can't believe that it will take those years to finally lose himself.

"Ai'Beam."

"What else?"

"I'll stop."

"Stop what?"

"I'll stop chasing after you so please sta-"

"Then stop."

Beam remembered the last day he spent in Thailand seven years ago was in Engineering's faculty's canteen. It was raining and he was talking face to face with Forth after a year without communications. The dusk came and Forth bought him a cup of hot chocolate, saying that it'll be the last.

It was a little bit sweet but it was bitter too. He still can taste it in some part of his tongue, and a little corner of his amygdala. Those spark of desperations, the fear in that calm voice. He saw Forth shut his mouth by a glance of his. He was feeling sick of it all. Phana was with Yo and Kit was finally with Ming. Maybe the saying was true. It'll be easier for you to lose yourself after you lose everything.

He can't stand to lose himself. He had been lost against himself, against that one night, against Forth. Forth's feeling felt absolute and it felt like a losing game. The sincerity, the gentleness, the stubbornness, for the sake of his. Beam thought he had love wrapped around his fingers, but for the first time in his entire life, the wild, burning love scared him.

Just like today when he arrived at Suvarnabhumi Airport, because Phana and Kit had scheduled surgeries, that day, he was also alone when he was at the airport because Pha and Kit still had exam block week.

He did great in South Korea. He had done everything he could do, he had been super busy, he had lost his times doing all the practices, workshops, presentations, surgeries with the local's different and stricter work ethics. Still, he had achieved the things in his bucket list. Money, fame, trust, everything he thought as good for a human to be alive for.

But after five years enduring, he was tired and he lost himself even more.

His chest was heavy at night with empty bottles of soju and beer in the room's floor when he took days off. Love scared him once and now he was eaten by loneliness and unrecognized self. Night sky was just another night sky without stars in the middle of the busy night of big city. It was all the same, but his eyes told him that the night sky in Ilsan was different from those in Bangkok. Not that he can differentiate them tho. He had always been living at nights and works when the daylight came.

The girls in Korea were all pretty and cute with mostly very pale skin and sharp glares. He loved the eye smile and the way they gave strangers the cold shoulders. The way they called him Oppa thrilled him at first. They felt right in his arms. They love how sweet they were in the morning before they went separated again.

But after six years enduring, he just wanted someone to chat in Thai language when he got drunk, and when the morning came. And none of those beauties filled the requirements.