What can I say? Accidents happen, sometimes we do things we don't mean or that bring about consequences we didn't want.
I don't advocate strangers joining ThunderClan; no cat in their right mind would. And any cat who attempts to do so should not be allowed easy access to our great clan. But you know what? Members like these aren't always terrible, I mean, look at Firestar. He was a kittypet, we all know that. And Daisy wasn't even a kittypet, exactly, more just a loner. She was more like us than Firestar was when he first came to the forest.
It took me some time to come to that realization. I don't know, maybe it only ever really occurred to me because things started changing. I learned that we can't really help feelings and so, when I began to notice myself feeling strangely about Daisy, I guess part of me looked to justify it.
The clan took to her, accepted her at least to a degree. So she got to know us all, and we her, and I was no exception. Somewhere between our borders, sharing news and freshkill, a bond formed. She enjoyed my company and I took to liking hers. Before I knew it, I looked forward to catching her sweet scent, hearing her lovely voice, and feeling the warmth of her soft fur. We strolled in the forest together, shared tongues, and at times, just had fun.
It was fun, and it didn't always make sense, but what did that matter? We liked it.
I didn't think about it beyond that though, if I really thought about it much at all. I wasn't planning on a lifetime filled with the companionship of a mate and the "joy" of kits. And when our relationship took that turn my heart turned cold. I didn't mean for that to happen any more than I meant for the kits to happen.
Why did I pull away from Daisy and our kits? It is pathetic, but honestly, I was scared and overwhelmed. I didn't know what to do with kits. I didn't feel right with kits. I couldn't act with them as I would my denmates or even apprentices. And Daisy was always with the kits, once they were born they meant more to her than anything, which makes sense because that's what happens to queens. But that forced our dynamic to change and I couldn't adjust accordingly.
I don't think I loved her enough for that. Our bond was not a deep one that penetrated and intertwined our souls. In fact, I don't know that it could even be called "love". It was shallow, I suppose, how—from where I stood—it was nothing much more than personal gratification. In the moment, our young relationship made me simplistically happy. The shallows were safe and yet exciting. But once things got deep, I found myself drowning.
And in that sense, it is funny cats will, on occasion, compare me to my father. No one doubts the love shared between Dustpelt and Ferncloud. Yet, at the same time, maybe they are right. In one sense I guess I am my father and Daisy my mother, the personalities do fit. And maybe that was what initially drew me to her: she reminded me a bit of my mother.
I'm not proud of the father I've been, even when I tried. But I am proud of Rosepetal and Toadstep. They have grown into fine warriors and their mother has raised them well. I wish Daisy no ill-will, and somewhere deep down, I might even yearn for the light pleasure we used to share, but that is not something I mourn. I have made my mistakes, but I remain a proud tom.
