They only see him as a monster. But I still see him as my son, the little helpless kit he used to be. The little tabby who clung to life.
I wonder if he always clung to life, even after his body became strong. Did he ever understand life was to be lived and enjoyed or did he merely see it as a game of ambitions he struggled to control?
Well, now it is too late to ever know. Tigerstar is gone forever and I myself am beginning to fade to somewhere beyond passing time. But I still think of my son often, even when I am not enjoying the company of kit-sisters who did not share his early triumph.
In many ways I am still proud of him. I don't care what the others say or think of him and it saddens me he is only remembered in the clans as a terror. He was a strong warrior, one of the best. There was no denying his cleverness or the fact he could have been an outstanding leader. I was there when he was given his nine lives, and my heart swelled with joy, and I witnessed when he lost them all, my heart twisting in horror.
The leadership he was granted was not under the best circumstances, but that could have been said of his entire life. And sometimes I wonder if that is what went wrong. Maybe, if life had been better to him, he would have been a loyal warrior in control of his ambitions.
But sometimes the dark thought nags me that I did him wrong. What did I not do for him? Did I do too much?
No, I always force that thought away with a flick of an ear. I mothered him the best I could. Whatever led him to a dark path, I do not know, but it was not me. At least I hope....
I can recall when I was a new mother and he still Tigerkit, that Goosefeather spoke negatively. I ignored it to the best of my ability, so thrilled at my kit's survival, and the old medicine cat was losing his mind anyway. Yet, there are times when I wonder if maybe he was correct. Should Tigerstar have never been born?
What can I say, if Pinestar had truly loved me he would not have abandoned me and the clan, and at all times, with our young litter sick and losing their nearly nonexistent lives.
And here I am, in StarClan but without solace. No cat will remember him as I, but all I can do is purr to his starlit sisters about the life we could have shared.
