Back at Square One (BEN Drowned)

22

My little period of happiness came and went faster than I'd expected. In less than another month I found myself thinking and worrying over nothing, asking myself too many questions devoid of any substance. Despite everything Ben had told me I was still somehow convinced that my efforts to free him as soon as possible were necessary, even if he seemed happy at the moment. And isn't that what everybody's brain does? When everything is happy and carefree, we find something, no matter how tiny it is, to fuss over because we have nothing left to complain about.

That's why I slowly started dressing down.

School didn't help my worries, even though it was the one place I was kept away from my one big responsibility. It was probably the "junior depression" part of the equation, now that I think about it, but it still didn't make sense to me why I couldn't seem to get up in the morning when it mattered most. Eventually, Ben began checking on me, which made everything hurt more.

"Ave...don't try fooling me, I know that if you have the day off today you would've looked happier last night."

"I know, I know, I'll get up. Man, you are really on my case lately," I chuckled and sat up, rubbing my eyes and stretching, though having someone standing right next to your bed keeping a sharp eye on you makes it 101% more difficult to get up.

"I have to be. I don't care how many times you eventually come down the stairs and head out the door, it's concerning when it's 7:20 and you're still nowhere in sight."

"Yeah, I get it. I'm sorry. It's just really hard nowadays." I yawned and swung my feet over the edge, finally standing up. Ben looked a tiny bit more sympathetic.

"I guess I can't judge. I haven't been to school in seven years."

I'd slowly started changing from my typical binder, tank top, and mesh shorts to more loose and baggy clothing that could hide my body more. I was falling into that hole that a lot of enby people succumb to; trying to make nobody see you clearly, eventually just downgrading to a hoodie and sweatpants to avoid any strange looks. It wasn't even so much my insecurity getting in the way at this point, I was really just stressed for whatever reason that presented itself that day. Like a TV show's monster of the week.

But Ben was always there at the end of the day, which made things a tiny bit easier. And somehow, a whole lot harder at the same time.

I had stopped sitting at Meghan's lunch table all the time. I couldn't pinpoint why, only that I didn't want to give her any direct chances to see me like this. Wherever I was, though, Jason would usually find me and strike up a conversation, which I assumed he did out of pity. Luckily, with all the tightly-bound groups of friends in my lunch period, there was always some new corner of a lunch table I could silently stay at for the day. Nobody commented. I became nomadic for a solid month.

Then I remembered that she existed.

Oh.

"Why so quiet? Did you become brain dead hanging out with that weird geek boy?"

I made a mistake one day, failing to notice the occupants of a certain table before sitting down and trying to enjoy my chicken tenders in peace. Charissa nudged her way over to me, sitting right across with an uncannily sympathetic look. It was almost as if she really wanted to hang out with me, but I knew that could never be the case.

"Is it okay if I sit here?"

I stared at her for a moment, trying to process her question. Silently, I nodded and returned to my food.

"Look, I'm sorry if something I said hurt you. I'm just trying to be more friendly around you, and I don't know what it was but it felt like something I was doing was making you feel bad. We're cool, right?"