The Triangle of Grief

Clinging to Air

Have you ever texted someone who can't text back? Someone gone for good. And you just call/text to talk about your day. Or maybe to ask a question. Or to say "I miss you" or "I love you" one last time. And the feeling is that drop in your stomach knowing they won't reply. You seem stuck with the pain of emptiness, a hole in your chest where they used to be. The pit of loneliness that only they can successfully fill. And you're so loving of them that you can't let go. You miss them so much, you desperately continue to call/text someone you already know you'll never hear from again. You refuse to cease and ignore that you are crippling yourself by attempting to escape reality, because believing a beautiful lie is easier. I know, because I wrote to someone I loved very much for a long time. I wasn't consistent and I wasn't completely delusional. Just sad. I needed them to be there for me. Which sounds selfish. Wanting someone to be alive to comfort you. I begged and begged through voicemail "please come back" was all I could bear to croak. And til this day, those words made me feel the most anguish because I pleaded out loud my deepest desire, a painful prayer to never be answered. I felt the hurt in so deep an emotional wound, that I felt it overcome my body and bury me alive. When I admitted my regrets to someone who could not hear, it got stuck in my throat and made me ache. and I swear I've never cried so hard in my entire life. It's the pain of holding on to what you do not hold.