{Personal/Rant Book}

Being found

So I hope everyone had a rockin, kickass Christmas.

Hope ya got everything that wanted.

I myself did get a lot of what I wanted, that mainly being a bunch of theatre shit that I fangirled over for about an hour.

Now, two of those gifts were from Dear Evan Hansen. One being the novel and the other being a cuff bracelet that reads "the things that make you strange, are the things that make you powerful."

And on the inside, towards the edge, are the signature words; "You Will Be Found."

As I previously said, I got practically everything I wanted for Christmas. But as I was sitting there, reading the novel and fiddling with my bracelet, I realized there was one thing I really wanted more than all of my gifts.

The gift I really wanted, was to be Found.

My grandmother made a comment when I first opened the bracelet about how I was found. That's not entirely true in my eyes. To me, "being Found" is to be recognized for who you truly are. Not who you pretend to be.

I could keep up the rough, tough, angry, defensive teenage girl act for as long as I want and no one would question me. They would just nod and go on with their day, thinking this is the real me.

But if they really got to know me, they'd see that all the anger and toughness and isolation is just my defense mechanisms because I've been hurt by people before. I've been hurt by letting people into my heart.

No, being Found to me would be for people to notice I'm not some violent, angry girl all the time. I'm weak, I hurt, I cry. I am softer on the inside than people think I am.

I'm see as the mom of my friend group, mentally older than I should be. While my friend get to enjoy goofing off in high school, I have such high expectations set by my mother, that I have no time to goof off. And so, I'm the one trying to get my friends on track, making me the mom friend.

If you truly know me, you can think of me as a pineapple. Spiky and pointy on the outside, tough to handle for long but on the inside, I can be sweet and kind and a child who needs comfort.

Because that's what I still am.

A child.

If I had to pick one person in all of Dear Evan Hansen that I relate to most, it would be Connor Murphy.

Now I know most people probably say that because they want to seem "edgy" but I mean it whole heartedly.

Both him and I are very defensive on the outside. We get angry quickly for almost no reason at all, making irrational decisions from the anger. We both have dysfunctional families, both of us are older siblings and fight with a parent(s).

I can't say I'm exactly like Connor. But although he may be a fictional character, Connor is the only person who I really feel is similar to me in so many ways.

That's the reason I am so deeply in love with Dear Evan Hansen. Everything about it's characters and plot line and just everything draws me in. Connor's backstory And pain, Evan's hardships with social anxiety, Alana's need to be the best, Jared's want to be "the cool guy" and Zoe wishing her life wasn't so messy. Heidi pushing her hardest for her son and giving her all, Cynthia wishing she could've done more for Connor and Larry, the dad who just didn't know how to help his son.

Once again, I really hope you all had an amazing Christmas and will have an amazing start to 2019. I know how fucking crazy things can be and hopefully we can all get through it together.

Sincerely,
Me