i suggest you watch the video and read its lyrics to have a better understanding of Hiro's perspective. also i will not go into detail with hiro's suicide attempt to avoid triggering other people.
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秋山寛 HIRO AKIYAMA
There was a time I seriously thought about ending my life.
Everywhere I went, melancholy followed me around like a dark cloud hovering over my head as a storm brewed inside my heart. In school, I never earned friends like the ones in Iwatobi. At home, I was always alone, my parents simply left the money I needed to survive. And a year ago, my grandfather, the person who understood me the most, died. Rin was off in Australia doing god knows what, he wouldn't answer calls, wouldn't send letters, wouldn't even speak to me at all.
I asked myself what the fuck I was living for and honestly, I never really did arrive at the answer I was looking for. I hated the world with every fiber of my being.
Every single day was excruciating. I hid monsters in my closet, and there were demons from under my bed. Both consumed me at night. Taking away each piece of my humanity as I was left with a shell of who I once was, as I was left to fight my battles all alone. There was a war in my head that I had no chance of winning.
It hurt like hell.
And yet, a part of me was relieved when I woke up in the hospital bed the next morning. My parents sobbing at the sight of me. My grandmother hugged me tightly, promising she'd never leave me alone like that.
As soon as the school year ended, I transferred to Iwatobi High School and started living with my grandmother. My mother thought it would be better to have a new environment. She also thought my grandma and I could look after each other.
Everything was great. Until he came back.
The feelings I tried my best to hide, came over me like a wave in the ocean. I was reminded of every memory in the past, every nostalgic memory I yearned not to face. But I liked him with all my heart, and despite whatever it was that happened, I definitely wanted nothing less for him. I wanted him to be happy. And yet he was in the same pain I was. And this time, I couldn't do anything but watch.
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"I tried to hate you. In fact I almost burned every letter you sent to me" I tell the boy sitting beside me, the boy who wouldn't let go off my hand.
"Did you?" he wonders if I did as I said.
"Almost, but I backed out immediately" I answer his question, and the male tells me for the nth time that evening, "I'm sorry."
"It's not entirely your fault. I shouldn't have given up on you. Although if someone asks if you're not fine, you better tell them the truth" I say, and he hugs me tight.
"Alright then, that's rule number one." He says. "Let's be honest, no matter how painful it can get. No more deciding by ourselves. No more broken promises. No more lies"
"Okay" I nod, changing the subject. "So what really happened?"
"It's like you said in your letter, which I only had the courage to read it now, by the way" he says and I punch him hard.
"That hurt, Hiro!"
"Guess what? Sending a confession and being ignored by the recipient hurts just as much" I stick my tongue out and he couldn't help but agree that I certainly had a good point.
"Well, I didn't show it but I was anxious at first. It was a new world, everyone seemed like they were better than me. Even if I was fairly fast back in Japan, it meant nothing over there. So I hit a wall, stumbled, couldn't get up and I almost stopped swimming. But Haru and the guys helped me up. And now I have you" he continues with his story as we both look up at the star-filled sky. "I kept writing letters to you but I always managed to stop myself from sending them. The thought of you saved me in a way. But I was always too ashamed to try and show my face to you."
"Rin, you're achievements don't define you. I don't give a shit about those" I try to assure him and he hums, "Mhm, I learned that the hard way."
"So, what happened to you while I was gone?" the male asks thereafter.
It took a moment of silence before I spoke up to tell him what's happened to me in the past years.
"When gramps was sick I always visited him in the hospital during the weekends," I told him. "We would always talk about you and how similar you were to your father. How, since you're giving your all, I should also chase my dreams. That's what we kept chatting about every time I'd come. The most annoying part yet was when gramps said I can have the camera he treasured so much as a parting gift. T'was as if he was ready to disappear from the world. And yet, whatever I was doing, that old man always supported me with his all."
I heaved a sigh, "That's why when gramps died, well—let's just say it was the darkest days of my life. My parents always left me alone. Everyone else I knew hated me because I was so different. Grandma was far away, and she was grieving. You also stopped sending letters by then, I thought I had no one else to count on. It was me against the world."
"The battle of a young little girl," I smile sadly.
"That's why, it was a time I seriously thought about ending my life." I tell him and he holds my hand tighter. "And I did try."
"Woke up in a hospital bed, the day after" I say as I continue narrating what happened. "I regretted it. I don't show it that often, but even I'm a coward."
"Grandma collapsed right before graduation, and Mom had the idea that it would be best if I go to Iwatobi. That way I could take care of my grandmother, and she could watch over me," I add, only to turn to him and realize that he was bawling his eyes out. "And so, here I am— Wait, why are you the one crying?"
"Honestly, your grandmother and I thought you'd do it again," he tells me with a shaky voice, trying to wipe away his tears. "I thought I'd lose you forever. That's why I was so frantic when I got here"
"I won't make the same mistake twice. That I can assure you" I tell him as he pulls me into another embrace, and I lean against his shoulders.
"I missed you like fuck" he admits and I speak up.
"I'm glad we can talk like this again, Rin. I'm glad you're back," I stay in his arms and gaze once again at the sky.
"And from now on, I'll be here for you too," he promises.
