"I am all alone," I think to myself. "Was I not good enough?" I couldn't have been if she'd leave me like that. Aubrey Clover, the love of my life, my soulmate, the only one I've ever loved and ever will love..Left me. I'm nothing without her, I'm incomplete, alone. I stare sadly at my phone. 'I'm sorry. Goodbye. You hurt me too much. You can find someone else.' That text is stuck in my head. It rings in my ears, repeats in my mind, pounds in my heart, and it falls with my tears. I notice my face getting soaked by the droplets pouring from my eyes. I don't want to cry but I won't hold it back any longer. I'm bawling now, my tears turning into a stain on my empty bed. I shut my eyes tight but the fear, the despair, it controls my thoughts. I want to die, I want to hurt, I just can't be without her. I want her. I need her.
I wake back up, though I wish I hadn't. It's so dark outside. I check the clock. "2:30.....AM I suppose.." I whisper to myself quietly, my throat hurts to much for me to speak clearly. It's the first of October today... My 26th birthday. I forgot about that. Is it even worth caring about anymore? Birthdays celebrate the life of someone, but my life is nothing to be happy for. Nobody should have to pretend to appreciate my worthless existence anymore. My mom and family will be coming over at 12:00... I sigh, I wish they would forget about me already. As much as I don't want to, I get up and walk into the kitchen. I stare at the knife holder. I try hard to shake the bad thoughts from my mind. How about..I get some breakfast? When I look at the fridge I see a picture of me and Aubrey on our 3rd anniversary. I feel the tears pooling up in my dehydrated eyes. I take the picture off the fridge and hold it close. "Aubrey..Aubrey...Aubrey.." I repeat her name over and over, engulfed in sorrow.
I try eating breakfast to take my mind off her. All I have is some water and a half-finished plate of cookies that she baked me. I take in a deep breath and eat. I haven't eaten in a few days. Ever since she left me I've starved myself, I'm not worthy of food. I hear the voices again. "You shouldn't be eating, that's a privilege and with losing Aubrey you lose food too." it repeats. I give in and walk slowly to the bathroom. I kneel over the toilet and stick my fingers in my mouth until i start gagging. I go further until I puke up everything I ate. I suck in some deep breaths. My neck hurts so much, it burns so heavily. A river flows from my eyes as I clean myself up.
The suicidal thoughts are inescapable. It's already 10:00 AM, but it feels as if only an hour has passed. I've been sitting slouched on my sofa, watching whatever comes on, lonesome as ever. I miss the feeling of Aubrey leaning on my shoulder. Another hour goes by. Then another 30 minutes. Another 15. They'll be here soon. I can't bear to let them see me like this. I can't bare to see anyone other than Aubrey. I rush myself to the kitchen. I grab a few bottles of antidepressants, most of which I've become immune to. I'm done doing this. I can't live any longer. I down one of the bottles. Then a second, third, fourth. My vision blurs, my thoughts are foggy and they overlap eachother. I try sitting but I can't walk straight. I collapse onto the cold floor. As survival extincts kick in, I hold onto my neck and feel the foam dripping from my mouth. My eyelids become heavy. I close my eyes and the blackness of death takes control of my body..
My eyes begin to open. I'm in the hospital, my mom and dad leaning over me with amazement in their eyes. "He's waking up! He's waking up!" My mom cheers with excitement. The doctor runs in. "Yes!" she says. "He's alive!" Tears well up in my mom and dad's eyes. "W..What happened?" I manage to say. "You overdosed on your pills," my dad explains. "We saw you on the floor, you were so close to dying, it's a miracle you survived." "We had to pump out your stomach, thankfully it saved you." the doctor adds on. I remember now. My eyes narrow in anger. "Why would you save me!? I was trying to die and you ruined it all! I hate you! I hate you!" I screech, furious. They all stare at me in shock. "Jay, why?" Is all my mom could say. I stay silent. The doctor escorts my parents out of the room and leaves me alone.
A while goes by and I recover, sadly. My family has avoided me for a while. I wish my mom would hold me, like when I was younger. Happy. Once again, I'm stuck in my bed, wanting to die, wanting to end my pain. Suddenly, as I'm drowning in my own thoughts, I get a notification on my phone. Then another. Someone's texting me..? I lift the device and switch it on. The screen's light shines brightly in my face. It's from..Aubrey!?
"I'm so sorry. I heard what happened" She texted me. "I didn't know how much you loved me. You did that for me..? That's just insane to me. I forgive you for everything. I need you back, I can't imagine going without you. Please answer." As I read the words in front of me, I feel as if I'm in absolute bliss. She loves me? I need to take this chance. It feels as if the melancholy is being taken from my mind. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm so happy. It's the first time I've felt that in what seems like forever. I quickly text back. "Really!? I'm so happy. Can we meet somewhere?? I need to see you. I love you." I send. "Yes. At the park, the one we went for our first date. I love you too." She replies. I almost start crying, but I don't want pink eyes for when we see eachother.
I get myself dressed and run out the door, jumping in my car. I rush to the park. I don't see her, so I assume she's just running late in traffic. After sitting on a bench for a few minutes, I begin to get a little impatient. I wait a little longer. No sign of her. I can't control myself any longer, and I begin to sob. Why isn't she here? Was it fake? Does she not love me after all? It would make sense.. My vision fogs from the tears covering my eyes. I'm crying for what, 3 minutes, and then.. I feel a woman's hand on my shoulder. The touch is gentle yet firm and her hand is soft and small. I look over my shoulder to see her, Aubrey. Gorgeous ginger locks of hair dangle from her scalp. She has glossy red lips, and a red dress to match. An empathetic and loving expression on her face, topped off with a little smile. She opens her mouth to say something in her gentle and soft voice
"Hello, my love."
