outlines ✰ l.h.

chapter thirty-two

I chose not to speak to him.

His number sat in my phone untouched. As untouched as that book you read eight times last summer and never once picked up again. You knew how it ended. You knew what was coming before you turned the page.

The truth was, we were better off without each other. Two kids who meet in school suspension usually aren't going to be the best match for each other. I couldn't speak for everyone who met this way, but I only needed to speak for myself anyways.

I didn't like saying his name, either. I never expected a one syllable word to ignite such painful memories as if they were gasoline. He felt a lot like gasoline. Edging towards danger and rage, but missing a single spark.

It's been months since I've spoken to Luke. I had only seen him once at the grocery store in June. I had hidden from him, of course. Our final year of high school began three months ago and I had yet to see him in the halls.

"Babe?"

I peered up to the hazel eyed boy in front of me. The chair where Calum typically sat was empty, as he was now residing in his dorm at college. Our lunch period never felt the same.

I raised an eyebrow at Ashton, answering his question without words. He simply stared back. We had been in an on and off relationship since the end of summer. A tipsy July night was where it began. Calum invited us to a get together with his new college friends he made at orientation. We barrel rolled down a damp hill at 1am almost spilling our liquor filled insides. Bumped heads turned into locked lips and soon he had asked me to be his girlfriend.

I still thought about Luke. I held his t-shirt close at night until his scent had faded from it. My thumbs hovered over my phone screen more than I liked. After a few weeks of being with Ashton, I ended things. Softly, maturely, but I grew a weird attachment to him. I was terrified of letting go of what I felt left for Luke, but I was also terrified to be without Ashton.

We agreed on remaining friends, but we couldn't deny the leftover feelings and tension. We would spend a week pushing away wanted physical touch and swallowing our feelings and emotions. Pretending that things were rewinded to last year before we shared our first kiss. Then, the next week we were tightly knit. Sleeping on his bare chest with fingers intertwined in his hair and a fading love bite on my neck.

"Does that sound okay?" Ashton asked, reaching out for my hand that laid on the cold table between us.

"I, uh, yeah," I stammered, picking apart the chicken on my plate with a plastic fork.

I checked the clock behind his head. 12:21pm. I bounced my leg impatiently as I watched the hands pass while Ashton spoke to me. 12:22. 12:23. 12:24.

I slowly turned my head to look out the window of the cafeteria. In perfect view was Michael walking towards his car, cigarette in hand. It was only on Thursdays during fourth lunch I saw him. And only at 12:24. I was unsure what he did it in first 14 minutes when lunch began. I never spoke to him to get an answer. I didn't really care anyways.

I only looked for Michael to keep the flame inside me burning. He was a reminder that Luke was near. He was in this vicinity. In these walls. He could've just had a conversation with Luke, or was on the way to see him. Michael held a connection to Luke that I wish I still had. I knew I had broken it, but it was for the best. Sometimes the best isn't always what we want. Our desired life is sometimes smaller than the laid out plan we've had since we were born.

Every Thursday I looked for him. Simply to get a taste of what I had left. In hopes that Luke would be walking with him one day. He never was.

When the bell rang to dismiss us from our break, Ashton and I stared up at the cloud of teenagers pushing their way to their next period. We sat focused on each other, his hand gently caressing mine. His touch had turned gentle and soft, as opposed as how he used to be with me.

We were the last two students left in the cafeteria. We sat in the clangs of pots from the kitchen and shuffling of students flowing through the hallway outside of the double doors.

We took a long look at each other. His light brown hair popped form his summer highlights. His tanned summer skin was beginning to fade into a light beige. His hair grew longer than he typically kept it, his curls framing his sweet features so elegantly. Ashton could be compared to a Disney prince. Warm, amber eyes that could get any woman to fall for them. Including me.

-

"I don't even feel like you want to be with me."

Ashton picked up his t-shirt form the ground and aggressively tugged it over his head. I gnawed on my inflamed lips from the scene we just fled. We had been in his bedroom having this same conversation a dozen times before.

"I do want to be with you," I whimpered. I rubbed my face, chills running up my bare torso. I picked up my fallen bra strap and placed it back on my shoulder. "I'm just not ready."

Ashton sighed, "Ands, you know it's not about that."

"It is. It's-"

"About Luke."

"It's not about Luke," I quickly responded. My eyes fell to my hands in my lap. "I'm just not ready," I repeated.

I couldn't tell you the last time Luke's name dropped from my lips. It hurt to say. It hurt to hear the vowels breaking in my voice. Every emotion I hid away over the summer was catching up to me. I believed it was from wandering the purple and black halls. It was from sitting in my bed with the ghost of him. Or driving past his house on the way to the grocery store and always checking out my window to get a peak of his car.

The reality was; I didn't know how to get over him. I never learned how to suspend myself down the peak of that mountain. Climbing, and climbing, and climbing, but I only ever stayed in one spot. I occupied myself over the summer with high dives from cliffs into cold rivers. I slept over at Ashton's house a million times, as it was the one place I felt Luke hadn't weeded himself into.

The overlap of the cutting of Luke and I's relationship and falling into this with Ashton was emotional whiplash. I could lay in Ashton's arms for hours and not think of Luke. There were days I left his home and fell in bed and cried over the heart ache. I didn't understand it. I couldn't comprehend it. I fell so deeply intertwined with two people. Dealing with the self inflicted pain that someone, me, Luke, or Ashton, was going to be deeply hurt. I didn't want to be responsible for ruining someone.

The guilt was heavy. I couldn't invest in Ashton the way he deserved, but we couldn't stay away from each other. Our connection was undeniable and the years of friendships made things easy. For my own sake, I couldn't turn around and be with Luke again. I would have to break off a healthy and happy relationship and friendship with Ashton. Luke deserved better anyways. I was so intricately and strangely caught in between two people.

-

A/N:

no trying to be loud but this book is over in 3 chapters