Why Did I Not Chose Him First

The conversation

"I don't want to see you Giovanny" I say. 

"Why not , you have been avoiding me lately" he says back 

"Then maybe you should get the hint " I  say and try to shut the door but he was to quick. He stopped the door from closing and pushed it open walking in.

"I thought we had something between us Mariana " He says sounding confused.

"Yeah I did to, but that's my fault for thinking you are any different from any of these guys. You should just leave Giovanny"  I say angrily.

"What the hell are u even talking about Mariana " he said annoyed 

"Are you that fucking stupid or do you think I am a dumb ass? Did you think you could just kiss me and try to mess with my damn heart because YOU CAN'T" I screamed at him.

I was so mad now. Rage had now taken over me and it took everything in me to not just punch him. My hands were rolled in a ball and I can now feel my nails pushing into the skin of my palm and cutting into it.

"What the fuck Mariana are you talking about." 

"Oh my god! Giovanny I fucking seen you kissing Brittney!" I scream. I feel a lump forming in my throat as I hold back the tears trying to escape my eyes.

I hate myself for this. I hate how when I get so mad I cry. It makes me look so weak. 

We sat there in silents no one saying a word. 

"You should just leave Giovanny " I say quietly breaking the silence.

"No I am not going to leave. Let me explain, please" he says quietly. 

"No I am done" I say trying to to stop my voice from sounding like I was hurt but it showed and I know he herd it. 

"How are you going to give up on us like that?"

"I am not the one giving up on us, you already gave up on us when you kissed her " I said taking a step away from him. I was so disgusted by his actions. 

"Pleases Mariana please I don't want to lose you , you are not like all these other girls you are different from them all" he said now sounding desperate. He walks closer to me and grabs my hands bringing them towards him.

" I can't" I can barely say feeling like i have no breath in me anymore. 

"Why not?" he says hopelessly. 

"Because you are not different from all these other boys. You are just like them if not worse. I don't want to be put in the same situation" I say as a tear finally escapes my eye.  

"I am so sorry" he says now moving towards my neck and kisses it slowly. 

"No Giovanny!" I scream and push him away. "You can't just make every thing go away by kissing me I am not going to let my self get humiliate again" the tears start falling one coming after another. I feel like I just got hit by a car, my heart feels heavy like its been caring tons and tons of pounds on it.

"So this is it? You're just giving up?" I can hear the sadness in his voice and all it does is make me feel even more bad. 

"I can't fight for something that was never meant to be " I know i am hurting him but he hurt me more and i don't want to feel that anymore. 

He looks me in the eyes I could see all the pain in his eyes  but I won't let my self be in a unhealthy relationship. I won't be in a relationship where I am the only one trying, the only one that cares. I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I am safe and nothing else in the world matters when I am around that one person. Like I could be myself. I don't have to worry about another bitch because I am the only bitch that matters to him, the only bitch that catches his attention. Nothing can happen when we are with each other. But it won't ever be like that with him so I have to let him go even if that means hurting myself. 

I look down not looking back at him. I don't want to look into his eyes, I know if I do I will give in and I can't. I hear him take a deep breath and finally lets go of my hands. I stand there and watch him leave, memories rushing back from the day my dad left.

My mom and dad arguing. My mom tells him how she isn't happy anymore and how she can see that he is not either. She tells him how they would be happier if they weren't with each other. My dad got mad and stormed out of the house not knowing he was walking out to his death. He was so angry, he could not even function but he still go into the car and left.

I came back to reality once I herd the door slam. I walked to the window and watched Gio get into his car and speed away. Tears began to run down my face and i couldn't control it anymore. My heart ached and all i could do was cry. My decisions was for the best and I need to realize that.