MY HEART'S DESIRE

"to be a man"

A/N: Warning- triggers of homophobia, rape

Max

"Homosexuality is against the word of God..."

The voice echoed throughout the room, followed by the click of a heel hitting the floor with each step.

"And if you're here, then that means you've chosen to get yourselves back on the path, HIS, path..."

I didn't chose shit.

My old man found out I was gay through rumors then sent me to this Christian program that aims at turning gay people straight - or 'normal' as they put it.

The pastor - Pastor John, was basically introducing me to what I'd be going through for the next 60 days - but it was nothing even close to the utter hell we were all put through.

I looked up at the displayed board. "To Be A Man!" it read. That was the name of the program.

'Guess my own father really couldn't handle having 'a fag for a son.'

My tear ducts started to sting, I knew the feeling well.

"Breakfast is at 7 every morning, followed by a morning prayer. And..."

The pastor's face grew sympathetic as he noticed I was fighting back tears.

"Don't worry, you'll get past this."

He reached his arm out to touch my shoulder, then hesitated and let his hand fall back into his lap, as if physical contact wasn't an option.

"The first step is to stop thinking of yourself as a homosexual."

I scoffed, turning my head away in distaste.

I don't remember everything about the camp, I don't think my brain could handle keeping all of the memories stored.

But there were definitely things I'd never forget that happened in that place, no matter how much I wished the remembrances could be erased.

I was told daily how basically my entire existence was "a sin". That in order to even be worthy of life, I had to like women, and women only.

That until I was 'cured' I would be undeserving of love all together...

We were required to pray up to 2 hours a day, at the least, 'confessing our sin as being a homosexual, and begging for the Lord's forgiveness.'

I mentally fought everything, reminding myself who I really was, constantly.

But hearing this in my ears 24/7 took it's toll on me.

I was losing my sense of identity. I believed everything about me was disgusting. Now, more than ever.

Then they brought my mother into it.

They claimed my mother leaving me while I was young is what 'caused the homosexuality'.

Okay, John, I'm pretty sure my mom being a coward isn't the reason I like dick. But whatever floats your religious boat. Or is it an Arch?

I basically had a personal vendetta for religion at this point. Humans were able to blindly hurt others for the sake of some being that there wasn't even any proof of. I saw it as desperation.

If you were caught sneaking out past curfew, you were whipped with a switch 'till your bottom bled.

If you were caught stealing food, whipped.

If you were caught interacting with another boy, whipped, and put into isolation.

I know this, because I went through all of them.