The College Professor

Chapter 04

It was hard to stop then and there and retreat but deep inside I was aware that it was needed in this situation. It had felt like I was chasing him, he was elusive in a way, ready to sit down with his friends and invite me to hang out, not even looking my way the next day. His thoughts, I had no clue what he was thinking!

And this, it was a game, flirting and kissing and smoking and drinking and avoiding each other again. Now it was his turn, I thought, I had him where I wanted him and he had admitted to being into me. All I needed was for him to now chase after me, to turn the tables again and stay in a position of power.

So I pushed him away from me, not even looking at him as I picked up my stuff and ruffled through my touseld hair. And as I opened the door of his office he was leaning against the big desk in the middle of the room, watching me meticulously as I pulled my sweater down. I could have said something but I didn't. Instead I smirked as I closed the door behind me again and walked outside, already reaching for the pack of cigarettes I had stolen from his table before realizing that I had wanted to cut back.

Back at home in my room I dropped my bag and coat and clothes and headed for a cold shower. Looking into the mirror briefly I saw exactly what I had been feeling, something like a happy glow and it was simply because of that game I had been playing. My lips slightly sore because of his beard and all that kissing, my hair still messy, my skin glowing.

When I sat down afterwards to work on an assignment I was unable to concentrate. Memories of the afterplay of today's seminar were playing in my head and they were so captivating that they left no room for other thinking.

Somehow Sebastian even appeared in my dreams the following nights. There was just that urgent need to see him but I wouldn't even know how. The only place I knew he regularly visited was his office - not regularly enough to just catch him outside, though. Going to the bar every night didn't seem like a good idea either, heading out to the café where I had run into him once also didn't seem like an option. So I was stuck waiting.

It was weird, still nobody had an idea that I had this thing going on. I would usually talk to friends and my roommates about my romantic matters and problems. This seemed more private though, as if it was a secret. In some way it was, college guidelines prohibit teacher student relationships and there were so many good reasons for it. On the other hand though, this one night with his friends and openly kissing in front of my house was different.

I had never wanted to talked to him about it. Well, we never really talked that much anyway. It was more a game of sexual attraction, I thought even though I had no idea if it was more or less than that. There was no reason to find out, it was thrilling right now, no need to talk to anyone about it. Not my friends or roommates or my Professor.

On Saturday morning I woke up after an awful night of drinking and smoking too much. As soon as I had taken the first sip of wine I was a goner. One cigarette wasn't that bad, I had told myself, and then there was another one and another one and another one and so on. By the end of the night I had lost count of the drinks and cigarettes I had consumed. My head told me it had been a lot though the next morning.

As I rolled out of bed it was almost noon and I was still feeling awful. And all I craved was one of those sugary, chocolate filled, iced, double espresso shot frappé thingies. I found a beanie in my closet, put sweat pants on and a hoodie. On my way out I grabbed my coat and money.

In my coat I found half a pack of cigarettes and decided that there was no need wasting them. For now this is what I wanted despite all the reasons not to smoke. Lightening one up I strode down the road towards the next coffee shop and stood in line. Looking around I tried to spot my Professor but he wasn't there. Didn't want him to see me like this anyway, I told myself and still knew that it wasn't true.