Survival of the Unfit

Chapter 30

Levi

"I'm scared," she said as I came to a stop, her house about five down the road. "I'm really scared."

I was dropping her off away from her house so her parents wouldn't come after me with a shotgun, or her, for that matter. I mean, first she gets caught with wine and then gets caught sleeping over at a guy's house? She'd be eaten alive. And besides, that wasn't the desired first impression I wanted on her parents: a sex-driven, conniving, delinquent eighteen year old that sometimes sounds like a stoner when I space out. No. Bad first impression. I had to make a good one, whenever I did, but she wasn't ever going to leave my car if I didn't calm her nerves a little.

"That's okay. Fear is okay." I slipped my hand into hers and gave her a squeeze, both of us staring at her front door down the street. "You can do it."

"Fear is okay, but it's not fun." She swallowed hard and tried to pick her head up, but her expression still told me she was terrified.

"You'll come out fine, no matter what. And it'll be messy, you're right about the fact it won't be fun. But I can't keep you at my house forever." I glanced over at her, hoping for a smile.

She laughed and dipped her head, taking my hand in both of hers and messing with my fingers. "I wish I could have one more night. The longer I wait, the harder this gets."

I stared at my hand in hers, the brief moment of happiness shared dissipating. The longer I wait, the harder this gets. The stronger the killer gets. The more vulnerable we become. All the longer we wait.

"Okay. I'm going to do it." She put my hand back in my lap and opened her car door, peeking her head back in to say, "Thank you again for everything." She smiled and paused a moment, while I was caught up in my own worry.

She shut the door and then started to walk back towards her house, hands in her pockets. Only then did I snap out of the trance and have enough sense to get out of the car and stop her in her tracks, pulling her in for a long, slow, kiss. Just a formality type thing. Why did I feel so nervous now, when earlier in the day I was as confident as ever? I needed to get myself straightened out if I wanted to actually go after April. Of course, that whole thing is all up in the air (I say as I kiss her).

I felt her laugh lightly and set a hand on my shoulder, keeping my eyes closed, wishing we had music playing and half our clothes off again. She was close, and beautiful. I liked beautiful things. I liked beautiful things and music, and to me, she was her own ballet.

"Um, thanks," April said, looking up. "Thanks again, Levi." Ah. Her mint eyes were so pretty.

I took a step back and shyly held my arm, staring down at my shoes, feeling the unfamiliar warmth of embarrassment actually start to come on. Embarrassment? I don't get embarrassed. I make meaningful speeches about self-esteem that make her feel embarrassed in a cute sort of way, not me for god's sake. Hastily, I mumbled, "I never said you're welcome." 

She gave me a quick kiss on cheek, making the fire of unfamiliar embarrassment inside flare up onto my cheeks. "Text me when you get home safely."

Then she walked away, and I stood still, trying to force my face to cool down. Embarrassment. That's what the feeling was. I did not like it.

I went home after that, which was at around 2:00 in the afternoon on Sunday. Mostly I sat around and thought about her, or cleaned the breakfast dishes and thought about her, or went and made a load of laundry with Julia's stuff in it and thought of her, or blasted her CD from the stereo in the living room, lying flat out on the floor—yes—thinking of her (all after sending a quick "I'm home" text, which had no response; it was safe to assume her phone was taken away).