neurotic | ashton irwin

part five

small warning that suicide is mentioned.

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Tap. Tap. Tap.

Sitting in school is boring. I understand what you're trying to teach me, Mr./Mrs. Teacher. Please, put me in classes of people of my own intelligence.

I suppose these are people at the same level of schooling as me, but really? We have to go over the Mayan Empire? You really just don't already know?

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Luke slammed his hand down on top of my pen, stopping the incessant taps. He was just as bored as I was in World History, but he also hated when I tapped my pen. We have only ever fought about my pen tapping.

And Ashton.

Luke hasn't stopped apologizing for bringing him up in the car, and causing a blackout.

I told him repeatedly I didn't blame him or Michael. They aren't my messed up brain.

They aren't insane.

They are normal, functioning human beings and all I am is screwed.

Screwed up, screwed over, and screwed for life.

Screwed is a weird word if you say it enough times.

Sighing, I let my purple-haired head fall to my cool desk, my nose flattening against it. I just want to be alone right now.

Sometimes, I get stuck in my brain.

I can't get out of the overbearing whirlwind of thoughts that rush around my brain in waves. They crash against my skull, pounding against the thick bone, attempting to seep out and contaminate the world. I will never let them out. I will never let them see the light of day.

And so I get trapped, too. I get trapped with my thoughts of self-doubt, hatred, and worry.

I'm not good enough. I hate my life. I hope I'm not ruining everyone else's.

Over and over again, I get trapped.

I guess going to a doctor is the only way I'll ever get out.

Or maybe I just need a hero.

=

"Whiles," Luke prodded my shoulder.

I groaned.

"Whiles, Mr. Bern says you can't sleep in here, and he's asked me to wake up."

"I'm not sleeping," I said, pulling my head up. I really wasn't sleeping, I just was getting stuck in my head and it was causing a massive headache.

"Okay, whatever," Luke said, rolling his eyes. "We are working on a Mayan crossword."

"Crossword?" I snorted. Juniors in high school and we are doing a crossword.

"It's review. We have a test tomorrow," Luke reminded me.

"I know, but still," I shook my head, looking for a word bank.

"One-across is maize." Luke tapped his pencil in my one square.

"So, I was thinking since tomorrow is Friday you could come over?" I asked, writing down the answer.

"Oh, uh, I made plans when you were out Monday," Luke muttered.

"What?" I questioned. "With who? You could have told me yesterday or the day before that, and you chose not to?"

"I didn't want to upset you!" Luke whined.

"Who is it?" I asked, racking my brain for someone who Luke would hang out with besides me.