Shout Out to my Ex

Conflicted

I'm so sorry, Jason. If you could tell me, you'd say, "don't be sorry...I told you to move on. It just hurts."
But I'm sorry.
I'm so conflicted. I'm so ashamed. I'm trying to fill this gaping hole in my chest with another guy for my own selfish reasons. I want to stop hurting. I need to stop dreaming of you every single night, fearing that you never give me a second thought. The thing is, is I have no idea what you're thinking. Life was so much easier when I knew what you were thinking and you knew what I was thinking. You knew exactly what was on my mind. Now it just feels like all these secrets are buried within me. My thoughts are locked away, only to be typed on a screen and written on paper.

I fear that you've forgotten me. I fear that I only cross your mind for a few seconds when you see me at the school. If only you knew.

If only you knew about the countless times a day that something happens that reminds me of you, and I'm filled with a black hole for hours. I go numb every time I hear "Perfect". I stiffen with fear when I hear "Wont You Show me the Way." I cry when I hear "Marry Me."

I bet you still sing along with the songs and think of the memories you had before me. The nights with your friends. Not the hours we would spend talking to each other or the nights where we would just stare into each other's eyes, never needing words. I bet you still laugh your gorgeous laugh and belt the notes with ease.

I don't.

I cry. I think of the night that we sat in my car for hours just singing along to random songs. I cry. I think of the walks down the pier. I cry. I think of the difficult conversations. I cry.

I cried so much in the past two months that I start to feel as though I've run out of tears; like I've completely drained all that I could give. I'm this hollow husk that floats around the streets, being carried by the wind. These days, I fill as much of my days as possible so I don't have time to think; but it always becomes night. Sometimes, thank God, I'm so exhausted I just drift to sleep before I can start thinking. Then, there are nights like this. Nights when I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. As soon as I think I'm starting to feel okay, I crash. I crash like a plane that lost both engines. I feel my heart burst into pieces once more.

Sometimes, I remember small moments that were previously forgotten. I used my time with you selfishly, thinking that I'd have a lifetime with you to remember those minute seconds of bliss. Those minutes, hours, days...they all fled so quickly. So suddenly.

My only way to cope is to write, and distract myself as best as I can. Type until my computer dies, or I break down crying.

I think I write these as a feeble attempt to try to talk to you. I know I can't talk to you in real life and say how I'm feeling. I know I can't fall in your arms and cry about how difficult it's been while you comfort me. So, I write. I write these letters and I cry, alone.

I'm so ashamed that I let this happen.

I could've fought harder. I could've been a better girlfriend. I could've done so much more that would've made you see I can be worth more to you.

I hate that I still love you.

If you asked me right now to run away with you, after everything that's happened and everything that's been said, I'd do it. I'd still take on armies for you.

A song just popped into my head.

Random heartbreak songs that never made sense to me before suddenly are so clear.

"Grenade" by Bruno Mars.

That song makes perfect sense to me now.

"I'd catch a grenade for you" "but you wouldn't do the same."

I hate that I think these things of you, but I'm more scared that they might be true. I'm more scared than hurt. I'm more conflicted than scared. I'm empty. I'm hollow.

I'm conflicted.