Shout Out to my Ex

Too Many Emotions

I have too many emotions coursing through my veins right now.
    I feel like I have to move one. It's been two months since we broke up. I'm scare to move on, however, because I'm scared that one day you might ask me to come back to you. What if I'm in a relationship? I know I would still love you, but would I be the same person that would take you back? What if I find some self worth that makes me think I deserve to be treated better? Would your parents ever forgive me? Would we ever be able to be us again?
    With all of these questions, it makes it hard to move on. The question that bugs me the most right now is whether you still love me or not. Molly told me you've been talking about Katie a lot. Are you over me or are you trying to get over me? The two are very different things. I've been trying to get over you by talking to some guys that are interested in me. I can't make myself date them, though. I can't stop talking about you to them. I can't stop dreaming about you. I can't stop thinking about everything we've been through. I'm terrified that I'm never going to be able to find someone as good as you. It seems that no one can compare to you, Jason. No matter how much you hurt me I still think about and love you endlessly. So many people both friends and adults tell me you're not worth it, or that I can do better, or that I dodged a bullet with you. I don't think any of that's true.
    To me, it feels like the only person I've ever deeply loved and cared for was ripped out of my life. I don't think I could ever find someone as good as you, Jason. You could hit me and I would still love you. I wish I was strong enough to say I wouldn't, but to be completely honest, I would.
    I wish I had more self-worth. I thought that I could easily survive without a boy. Now, it feels like I got a taste of what a loving life feels like and then it was taken away as quickly as it came.
    The only thing I wish more than anything is to have a conversation with you. I know it will most likely never happen, but I just need closure. I need answers to my questions. It's like not getting the lead role with absolutely no explanation why. All I can think of is "what did I do wrong?"

    I went to a small party last night. I drove 45 minutes to some guys house that I barely know and stayed until midnight. I drank too much which was a bad idea because it was me, one other girl, and about 8 guys. At one point, I got uncomfortable because a guy that I was talking to sat extremely close to me and kept offering me drinks. He kept touching my leg and hugging me so I kept close to the other girl as much as possible. At one point, I couldn't take it anymore so I drank as much water as possible and ate a slice of pizza and left an hour later. I probably shouldn't have driven because I still felt a little buzzed, but I couldn't stay there anymore and I was too far away to ask for a ride from one of my friends.
    As I was driving home, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I couldn't help but imagine what you would say if we were still dating and I got myself into that situation again. You would have probably convinced me not to go to the party. You would've said, "well, you don't really know those guys and it's not a good idea to go if you know people will be drinking. It would be a different story if it was closer to your house, but you shouldn't go, Lex". I imagined what could've happened to me if I ignored you and went anyways. I felt so ashamed because of how worried you would have been. I would have texted you as soon as I felt uncomfortable and you wouldn't be able to come get me because I was too far away and it was too late in the night.
    You would have been so worried about me if we were still dating.
    Instead, if you found out what happened now, I have a feeling you wouldn't care less. You would have laughed because that's just the kind of situation I would get myself into, and then forget about it five minutes later.
    Well, that's that then. I can't move on. I can't delete those pictures of you. I can't stop crying when I hear those songs on the radio that you used to sing to me. I can't stop writing these fucking letters even though I know they don't make me feel any better. I just have too many emotions to deal with by myself.

    I just have too many emotions.