throughout a girl's heart

code blue!

This is an old email that was meant to be sent to a counseling agency that offered for help.. but i refraind from sending it right after i wrote it because i didn't have the courage and to be honest i was a little bit afraid of people's reaction, i mean it may seem not that serious to call for help..

umm hi! .. i didn't talk to a couselor before but i feel like this is a great opportunity for me to open up to someone without thinking of my severe social anxiety that have been chasing after me for my 18 years of life. So i guess i should thank you dearly, even if no one does read my e-mail, i'm still happy to write my sorrows out. Who knows, maybe i'll come to terms with matters myself.

so lately i stopped feeling myself anymore, i stopped caring abt my relatives, friends, serroundings and life. i feel cold in the inside and it's killing me not to feel happy neither sad, not to feel extremely excited and neither angry at times. yet i do feel annoyed abt people asking me nonstop 'what's wrong', these words get on my nerves bcs i always feel like the answer is so obvious yet i can't find the words, there's no logical explication to what i'm feeling out of sudden, it frightens me to know that i'm not being normal, i either overreact matters or do not feel anythink at all towards the problem, there's no in between.

i do get pissed off all the time, with myself for not doing right, for messing up things and for getting forgetful.. i feel useless. although i'm absolutely aware that society and humans are full of imperfections i can't stop blaming myself about the slightest mistakes.

i don't have much new going in my life, nothing to talk about so i guess i should mention some old stories i've been through recently and have distracted my mind back in the days but believe me i can't feel less towards those stories at this very moment.
i'm this type of girl that is short tempered, gets offended easily, unconfident and too shy even when talking to her own sister, usually quiet but explodes in occasions and a nerd x'D.

So i have a 'father' that i don't consider as one for a billion reasons and long long stories, lets just cut it short and say that he's childish, irresponsible (thinks his only duty towards family is providing money), spoiled, passive, so self-centered, selfish,makes a mess all over the place, hates criticism, thinks he's the best at everything he does when he's totally the worst, makes up lies and believes them..
My friends like the fact that he gives me everything i want and envy me about having such an openminded dad but the truth is he doesn't care that much he just want to give as much money as i want and let me be out late just to enjoy his time alone in front of the tv -_-
nothing good came out of him and i'm certainly not exaggerating. -.- so needless to say i don't go well with him, others (my two sisters and mom) can cope with his nonchalance , i can't.

however ,i'm too attached to mom and what happened last year affected me deeply, but still it was last year!. she went under a simple and successful surgery on her back but the doctor warned her not to move too much, and to stay in bed for 3 months, she was not allowed to go in the bathroom alone.

giving the fact that i was studying 24/10 and sitting for exams when things accured, and that my two sisters were out of town, my father was the only one available there all day long but he didn't bother taking care of her properly, she had to lean to pick things and to wear her clothes.. but what bothered me the most are the guests who'd keep coming everyday and dad would leave them waiting for me.

so my grandma had to leave everything in her hands including her handdicapped son that she left with some trusted friends of her to come give me a hand.
i felt so ashamed then when my father has shown his irresponsability in front of everyone. He still doesn't acknowledge his wrongdoing.
i should admit it was far from tiring for me even with the huge help i got from my beloved grandma, she literally prepared us 3meals a day, shopped for groceries, nd all difficult stuff. i was tired both emotinally and physically..