The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm

A

Aarp: American Association of Retired Persons.  An organization that sends out welcome letters to people over fifty to remind them that they will soon be dead.

Abba: Swedish pop group whose catchy melodies are very useful in helping to illuminate which one of your friends is probably gay.

Abs: A part of the human body that can, apparently in only minutes a day as part of this exclusive TV offer, become rock hard.

Academy Award: Recognition of achievement in the motion picture industry.  Given annually to a group of people who are a hundred times prettier, richer, and more popular than you will ever be or have any hope of being.

Accent: A way of speaking that reflects the region of the world in which you grew up.  Depending on where that it is and where you are when you use it, it could help either get you beat up or laid. 

Accountant: One of a mysterious race of mole people who resurface once a quarter and charge you to use quicken.

Achievement: A great accomplishment, often accompanied by a sense of triumph.  Or, as it is known to 98 percent of the population, getting out of bed in the morning.

Acid: Something you definitely have to be on to appreciate Carrot Top.

Acne: Nature's way of telling you that you are not quite ready to have sex.

Activist: A person who cared about the fate of the world, until reaching approximately twenty-eight years of age.

Acupuncturist: An alternative-medicine practitioner who gets to stab people and call it therapy.

Ad Hoc: A Latin phrase meaning "Hey, look at me, I know a Latin phrase."

Adorable: 1. The quality of being darling or cute.  Usually confined to forwarded e-mails about kittens.  2. A word used by women in bars to refer to a man they want to say something nice about while making it painfully clear that they would never in a million years sleep with him.

Adult: What you become when you finally give up drinking, sleeping around, and bouncing from job to job. Also known as kill-me-now syndrome.

Adventurous: Something your spouse claimed to be when you first started dating, but the Ben WA balls are gathering dust in the closet and in all this time you've yet to cruise the bars looking to spice things up.

Advertisement: A medium through which people who truly care about your welfare (and not at all about money) provide you with helpful, extremely subtle reminders that your bad breath, body odor, cell phone provider, and make of car all have to go.

Advice: The only thing in the world more unwelcome than a baby in a movie theatre.

Affable: A workplace-based adjective used to describe the suck-up that always volunteers to replace the toner.

Affluent: A word that allows you to describe a rich person without incorporating the usual tinge of jealousy and resentment.

Aggressive: A forceful, go-getter attitude that is greatly admired in business unless you are a woman.

Aglow: The condition of being flush with radiant emotion, such as one in the bloom of love.  Or, it might just be gas.

Agoraphobia: A sudden attack of fear, anxiety, or panic--such as that brought about by the sudden realization that you forgot to clear your Internet history before leaving for work today.

Air: The glorious, god-given substance that provides us our very breath of life while also containing the disgusting contagious pathogens that will one day kill us.