Yours [Prim/Cato]

Chapter 24 - Victor

It's been two days since Cato has been gone, but it feels like it's been a lifetime.

At first, I thought it was all a dream, because as I was being lifted into the hovercraft, the site of Cato laid out on the ground as we rose into the sky seemed too bad to be true. I'd closed my eyes, and when I opened them again he was gone. I didn't remember much after that, but when I woke up, I was connected to a hospital bed with needles stuck into my arms. All of my injuries were gone, the dirt that had become part of my skin and nails was gone, and Cato was...

It wasn't a dream.. he was still gone.

I haven't spoken a word since I won the Hunger Games, not to Haymitch, not to Cinna, and especially not to Effie. Every time someone attempted to speak to me, I would hear his voice, and it would move me to tears. When I wasn't crying, I was thinking of him, replaying every moment we'd had. There was so much pain, and so much numbness.

But still so much pain.

It all felt weird. Two weeks ago, I didn't know Cato existed, living on the other side of the nation... Two weeks ago, I didn't know him at all, and yet it feels like I've lost someone I've known forever. My mind, my body, and my heart were tuned to him, came alive in his presence, and now... I don't know how to let it all go.

I wasn't me anymore.

Two days after it all, I'm laying on my bed in my Capitol room, curled up with my knees hugged to my chest. I'd dreamt of him dying and woken up to my own tears again.

Today was the Victor's interview with Caesar. Normally, this would have been done by now, and I'd be back home, but I'd cried and refused so profusely they'd allowed me more time. Two days wasn't enough, but I knew that I couldn't push it any longer. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to pretend that things are okay.

I only want to talk to him.

I dreamt about his death every time I slept; seeing my tears falling onto him, his blood soaking my pants, the grass.. hearing his slow, uneven breaths. All of this happened if I'd managed to cry myself to sleep, and it only made things worse.

Effie, Cinna, and Haymitch tried their best to lift my spirits, but Haymitch visited me the most, and every time he did, he never said a word. Mostly, he just sat on the end of the bed, but there were a couple where he'd simply place a hand on my back. After he'd checked on me for the third time the first day, I'd sat up, taken one look at him, and burst into tears. I've never seen him move as fast as he had to scoop me into his arms and hold me as I wailed.

Effie did as best as she could, telling me of all of the wonderful things people are saying about me when her attempts to cheer me up didn't work. She told me about how proud she is when people congratulate me when they're trying to butter her up, as my victory has risen her up in the ranks of the world. She'd said all everyone could talk about was her victor.

The problem was that I didn't feel like a victor. I had lost it all.

There's a subtle creak of the door signaling that someone is coming into my room. I make no attempt to get up or stop crying, but I know that I can't avoid it any longer. I have to put on the show.

The bed dips, and only moments later, there's a hand rubbing my back. For a second, I see Cato and I in the cave, his hand rubbing along my back as I fall asleep in his arms.

But.. it wasn't him. It won't ever be him, who I want.. who I love..

The only girl he ever loved echoes through my mind every time that feeling hits me. I love him. I regret not knowing that I did because now I would never get the chance to tell him.