A Marauder's Guide to Falling Apart

Chapter Fifteen

"You should get some rest," James voice was strained, "both of you."

Marlene tore her eyes away from the carpeted rug beneath her feet long enough to see the exhaustion prominent on his face as their gaze connected. He wasn't looking at Lily but pointedly at Marlene and the pity plastered all over his face was like a slap to her own. She felt the frustration in her body form its way into a scowl and her gaze shifted back down towards the floor. She bit down on her lip hard enough to taste the saltiness of fresh blood in a lackluster attempt at lashing out on him.

It wasn't James's fault, of course. He was as deeply concerned about Sirius's whereabouts as the rest of the individuals still mulling about in the living room. Some Order members had disbursed hours ago but Marlene hadn't really taken notice until a glance around the room made it evident.

"Lily," his voice became soft and he let out a large sigh, "please?"

He had turned his attention to his wife and Marlene didn't fail to notice his eyes flicker momentarily to her midsection before landing back on her face. Lily was wearing a tired scowl as she met his gaze and gave the slightest shake of her head, no.

"I'm not going anywhere," she said pointedly.

"I think Mr. Potter's insight is well intended. There is no point continuing to wait around all hours of the night," Dumbledore had sidled up behind them. His eyes had lost their usual twinkle and his voice was grave. Marlene couldn't help but notice the uneasy drop in her stomach as she analyzed his tone. If Dumbledore was weary then things must certainly be serious.

"Ladies," he looked between Lily and Marlene before offering a small, sympathetic smile. "I think it would do you well to get some rest."

A silent battle was taking place between Lily and James. It was evident by the nonverbal communication taking place between their eyes as they continued to look at one another. Finally after a moment, Lily let out a long drawn out sigh and turned her head to look at Marlene. She was not smiling nor did she have the same look of pity accompanying her features. She was quite emotionless as she spoke.

"Come on Marlene," she began moving towards the staircase. "I'll show you to the guest room."

Every fibre of Marlene's body wanted to fight her. She opened her mouth to vocalize her rebuttal but the words caught in her throat leaving her unable to resist Lily's demand. Her body felt heavy as she stood to her feet and the motion to cross the room and follow her friend out into the hallway felt robotic and unnatural, almost as though she wasn't in control of her movements.

Whether or not she was being enchanted or it truly was her bodies will to move didn't seem to matter. The thought was fleeting and quickly fell to the back of her mind as James's hand wrapped around her arm momentarily stalling her from leaving.

"Mar," his voice cracked slightly.

"Don't," her voice hissed. A slight rage began to build within her and his grip immediately loosened. "Don't you dare look at me like that. He's fine. He's going to come home any minute. And you're going to wake me the second he does."

James nodded and Marlene shifted away from him and allowed Lily to guide her up the narrow staircase to the second floor above. Even though the living room was comparative to that of a funeral reception, the upstairs was even quieter and almost eerie in the darkness.

Lily pushed open a door and its hinges creaked open welcoming Marlene into the dark bedroom.

"He'll be here tomorrow, you'll see." Lily sounded so convincing that for a fleeting moment, Marlene believed her.

Of course she didn't sleep well to say the least. Every creak in the floorboard or whistle of the wind against the rickety shutters outside the cottage caused palpitations in her heart and her breathing to shallow. Her ears began a desperate attempt at placing each noise as it filtered the guest bedroom in which she had eventually retired to for the night.

At some point she had managed to pass out and continued drifting in and out of slumber for what felt like forever. The sound from the downstairs had quieted and she couldn't be certain if the rest of the household had also called it a night.

Sirius was a grown man and he could take care of himself. Marlene even had a moment before her eyes had surrendered to the darkness in which she convinced herself that it was silly to be so worried about him. He was Sirius Black, after all. He was going to be alright and they'd be laughing at some silly adventure he had found himself in which had delayed his return.

The moment that morning light filtered into the bedroom Marlene was awake with coursing adrenaline and her feet moved faster than her brain could register the movement. Taking two or three steps at a time thundering down the staircase, she didn't care if she woke anyone else in the house that might still be sleeping.

James was sprawled across the couch in the living room with one leg propped against the back and the other hanging over the edge clumsily. His glasses were askew and his head tipped backwards in a seemingly uncomfortable position. However, her rush into the room caused his body to twitch and he shot up immediately in a desperate fashion.

"Sirius?" he mumbled urgently and her heart sank.

"No, it's me," her voice faltered. The sudden urge to burst into tears overwhelmed her and she turned away from him to quickly mask her emotions. 

He hadn't returned yet. 

**

Christmas arrived three days later and Sirius had not yet returned. "No news is good news," Lily had said on more than one occasion, but her tone could not match her words of optimism. Marlene knew that Lily meant well but her half-hearted attempts of comforting did nothing to ease her discontent.

Instead of returning to London, Marlene had opted to spend the first two nights at the Potter's cottage, hoping that when Sirius did return it would naturally be the first place he would go. But eventually she began feeling like she had over stayed her welcome. She was growing tired of Lily's constant hovering and incessant need to offer words of hope that she began craving some much needed space. She showed up at the doorstep to Tom's house mid-morning on Christmas Eve looking, as he had exclaimed, like she hadn't slept in over a week.

"Stress of school must be really getting to you," he had chuckled. Marlene could only smile feebly at him in response as it took all her strength to hold back the tears she knew were reading in her tear ducts, threatening to spill over at any moment. She couldn't fathom telling him why she looked like such a mess, nor did she feel like she had the energy to try.

Minus her personal effects, her bedroom upstairs was pretty much as she had left it in the summer. It was cold and empty, void of anything that made it comforting or familiar to her. She had never felt quite as lost or misplaced as she did the moment she stepped in through its threshold. She hadn't shed any tears after the night of the attack but standing in the doorway to her unoccupied bedroom brought her out of the trance she had engrossed herself in. The feeling of numbness lifted from her body and she felt the wave of unwelcome wetness that had been building begin pouring from her eyes as she crossed the room and plummeted face first into the mattress.

She holed herself up in the bedroom for the entire day, completely ignoring the four separate times Uncle Tom attempted to ask her what was wrong. How could she possibly let him know what was the matter? He had chided her numerous times about how dangerous it was to get involved with the Order. She could already hear his disapproval for Sirius's recklessness so she kept quiet, insisting that all she needed was to be left alone.