***
it's as though my body lost touch with my emotions. the words in my brain were misaligned against the ever so unsteady rhythm of my heartbeat. i wanted everything to stop, i wanted time to seep into the lost holes in my bloodstream—i wanted you.
nonetheless, the world never seemed fond of granting my desires.
i've been falling for so long now i'm afraid to crash, to break wholly and unabashed.
so, i am left suspended in the wait,
fracturing my soul piece by piece—
so you won't have to.
(so it won't wreck me all at once.)
it's a certain sort of limbo only the unfortunate are to be found in; there are no forwards or backwards, there remains only the here and the now. you exist in the background of my thoughts, never once trying to pierce the boundaries holding you. you wanted more of me, but you weren't willing to sacrifice your heart in return.
you were a mere concept conjured up in my daydreams but only tangible in my nightmares.
a boy who was a shadow of whom i hoped would be a man.
the pieces of my torn soul have been lain in your hands; i took the liberty of breaking my spirit preemptively. i've already taken the leap, despite knowing that you won't be there to catch me.
falling is all there is left.
— i would rather be my own undoing, for i know that you will completely destroy me.
