saddle up 🤠

chapter 2

Dean's Pov
Dean. You have to remain calm. Think positively. Be open-minded and learn to love yourself. People are here for you. Dean.
Shake it off.
After school is over I walk over to the main spot where all my friends including castiel are sitting. They all look up at me.
Quiet. It's Too Quiet.
Nobody's talking.
"Guy's i'm sorry for how I was acting earlier and Char i'm sorry for lashing out on you."
My tone adds a mixture of worried because my mind is telling me that they won't forgive me.
Lee Gets Up.
Walks to me.
"Dean. It's Okay I forgive you."
Her eyes full of positivity and concern practically searching my eyes like she's making sure i'm okay.
I smile back at her moves.
She cares.
I pull her into a gracious hug, all the tension leaving both our bodies and mixing into the air and letting it go.
She's thoughtfully hugging me back instantly, head digging into my shoulder and arms suffocating me, you can hear her smiling broadly back at our best-friend affection towards each other with such pleasure and gratefulness.
Only Lasted 10 Seconds.
Castiel deliberately coughs.
Lee intentionally released me.
Cas, Don't take this the wrong way.
Everyone grows even more quiet.
"Um...Dean! I forgive you. Much Love."
Char instantly utters trying to chase away any spark of the tension there was between us.
She looks over at nina who seems to be watching the scene with an distraught look on her face but it quickly changes once we lock our eyes.
Dean it's okay. Look around you, everyone you love is here, don't become too stressed. Watch the birds fly in a flock diving over the air and onto the pearl blue sea. Watch Castiel love you and give you all the love that you give back to him. Watch him fall for you even more. Watch Char Care for you. Watch Nina worry about you every second of the day with such passion and edgy feelings. Watch Lee give you the best hugs you need on the worst days of your life. Watch Michael and Jack check on you like you would do to sam. Watch henry sit back daring to ask if you if you're fine. Watch Damon do the same. Watch Tima and Ky try to give you everything you deserve. Watch Balthazar And Aj mind-communicate with you making sure you are well. Watch Mick know that you're not fine. And lastly,
Watch Sam Do all of these things.
"DEAN!" Ky, Nina And Aj yell at the same time.
"W-Wh-What?" Shit. Again.
"Dean....." Nina starts.
"Wait aj when did you get here?"
I purposely interrupt nina.
Aj consciously looks over at Char and gives her the look that explains everything.
They
Know
Dean.
"I uh- I got here a few minutes ago..."
Aj says almost, so close, to being soundless.
"O-Oh." Voiceless.
"I'll walk home today, i'm not feeling well. Samuel Drive my car." I toss him the keys and walk away before saying goodbye.
"Bye dean,I love you."Castiel says hushed.
3 minutes into the walk.
Damnit dean. You're so dumb.
Why couldn't you just say you loved him back?
You-
Stupid
Bitch
Conceited
Selfish
Scary
- Asshole.
Intensely quiet. No leaves rustling. Just me breathing in the precious air, staring at the ground into oblivion the scent of strawberries drawing my attention up into the clouds, hovering over me letting rain pour down onto me for what seemed to be almost graciously as god sending me a message. The air blowing making bushes go out of balance, the dogs barking rapidly and viciously almost cold blooded, the birds landing enthusiastically onto the ground finding protection for their life.
Me walking.
Me thinking of death.
Just me.
Oh dean. You think cas gives a shit about you? You think sam does? You even think Nina Or Char does? They don't give a shit if you die. They just need you for a go-to. They don't want you. Lee doesn't even pay attention to you. She doesn't care for you. Never have. Never will. You think Aj cares? You think Sarah Cares? Damon Cares? Jack cares? Michael Cares? You think Ky cares?
They do. Dean. Don't let this get to you.
You think yourself cares? No.
They don't give a shit about you. YOU. You give a shit about them and that's the problem. Dean. I'm not just some voice in your head. I'm you. Telling you what you know.
Nina doesn't fucking care.
And she's like your sister.
Char doesn't care.
and she's your bestfriend.
Castiel doesn't care.
And he's your boyfriend.
And.
Sam doesn't care.
And he's your brother.
How do you feel dean?
Think they still care?
Do you?
Dean this isn't you. Don't listen to this part of you. It's trying to trick you.
My head starts spinning like hula hoops on a persons hips with a unlimited amount of speed, my arms shaking like an earthquake, my vision blurring like a window that's just been sprayed, my feet giving out as i've been walking thousands upon thousands of miles. My brain feeling scattered like left-over spaghetti, My stomach twisting like a rubber band being tied to paperwork, My fingers curling like i'm digging into a pillow.
My mind. Flowing into the darkest place upon the darkest, leaving no signs of trail to get back out into the light.
Stop.
Dean it's dangerous.
Keep going.
My mind digging deeper and deeper, my soul slipping away into rest, turning off power-mode.
My Happiness.
Gone.
My depression.
Here.
Dean, Leave this dark place now.
No dean stay. We're only getting started.
Memories Flooding Back into my mind.
-
-
Me, Castiel, Nina, Sam, Char and Michael.
Laughing hysterically at char's attempt to make a good joke. Char giving the brightest smile. Michael kissing her on the cheek, making her feel loved like never before making her feel joy.
Sam, holding nina by her waist from behind, placing his chin on her head, nina still dying over char's joke, consciously removing her head from underneath sam and kissing him on his jaw. Softly and smoothly.
Sam. Beaming Back at her.
Castiel.
Hand around my back, cautiously hanging on, face on my neck, my arms wiggle around his back and I kiss him softly on his forehead.
-
-
more and more memories flood
-
-
Sam. Christmas.
"Dean...You didn't have too." Voice hushed.
"But I did. You are my brother."
Sam taking his Xbox counsel out the cardboard box and placing it on the ground.
"Thank you so much dean." He whisper Cries.
"Your welcome."
He gets up and trudges too me and throws his arms around me, giving me the hug that I knew I needed but never admitted too.
"Best Brother Ever."
"I know." I smile slightly at him.
The thought of me making sam happy makes me want to throw the whole world a party letting them know that I conquered making my favorite persons day and that I know he's delighted and blessed.
-
-
More and More.
-
-
When I first Met Char and Nina.
-
-
More and more.
-
-
When I first met Lee, Aj and Ky.
-
-
More and more.
-
-
When I first met my closest friends.
-
-
When I Met Benny.

NO STAY WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I win bitch.
It stops.
The wind.
The Rain.
The screaming.
My hands stop shaking.
My legs.
My headache stops.
Everything stops.
My world stops.
What is wrong with me?

a/n
i kinda vented. sorry it's so short i haven't been so good lately, thanks for putting up with me - catalina aka cat