Creative Writing Things

The Imposter - Scene Excerpt

Got another screenplay for you to look at again this week. The purpose of this was to build tension in the scene, but I'm not sure if I've managed to do that okay, so if you can give me feedback, that would be really helpful. The main character, Owen, has paranoid schizophrenia which can lead to delusions. I don't know if I've maybe overplayed it here though, so let me know your thoughts. 

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Fade In:

Int. Coffee Shop. Day

Distant conversations can be heard as the door to the coffee shop opens. OWEN walks in, alone, and gestures to THE BARISTA. The barista nods and turns, starting to prepare Owen's drink.

Owen sits down at a table by the window. He takes off his fedora and produces a newspaper from his briefcase. The door opens again, and JACK walks in. His path is set for Owen. He slides into the booth opposite Owen and waits expectantly, hands clasped in front of him. He keeps his fedora on.

OWEN

(Turning a page)

My answer is still no.

JACK

I know. I know. I haven't come here to

 talk business. I've just come to speak

 with you. Father to son.

OWEN

(Scoffs)

It's never 'just' anything. Since when

 have we done heart-to-hearts?

JACK

Since now. Look, I know I haven't been

 the most supportive of fathers -

Owen laughs and throws his paper down.

JACK (CONT'D)

(Unfazed)

- but your mother and I, we do still

 care about you Owen. We only want

 what's best for you.

OWEN

(Quietly, leaning forward)

You don't want shit for me. You only

care about your crappy business and

 whether I'm going to be there to carry

 it on when you croak. Well, newsflash:

 I'm not interested.

JACK