I walked up to school, ready to barely make it through another day. I always used to like school. Especially before I moved. My old home, I had so many friends, I felt included, I felt happy. Now, now I'm just here. I'm a wallflower. A bystander. I do have “friends”. Three if you are really counting. M, D and P. But I'm not that close to them. Two of the three are in relationships and the third just broke up with her boyfriend. The 3 of them have known each other for so long, ever since Pre-K, hey grew up together, and I just walked into their lives one day unannounced and uninvited. I never really feel like I belong. So I sit back, listen to the conversation at play or just let my mind wander.
I have wanted to die for awhile now. About 9 months. No one knows. No one has asked me anything related to it. I just have this constant thought in my head telling that I'm no one, that no one cares, that the world would be better off if I wasn't in it. And I believe it. I make no difference in the world now, I never have, and I never will. I want to kill myself. I really do, I just don't know how, I've cut myself, but I don't think I could ever pull a Hannah Baker and go out that way. I may just jump off a building or something. No one would even notice I'm gone. At least not until it broadcasts on the news saying that a 15 year old female killed herself the night before.
M walked up to my locker as I am putting my things away. I turned carefully to not show my scars from self harm. She was always so perky. She smiled at me and asked how my weekend was and told me that she went out with a nice guy named K. K was so her type of guy. He was so good for her. He was nice, caring, smart and not to mention hella hot.
I always thought that about R, but he would never go for me. I'm just J. A carefree band nerd nobody, who is noticed by no one. I have liked R for years. Ever since I bumped into him in the hallway all those years ago, I can't stop thinking about him. But sadly he doesn't notice me. I mean who does?
And here I am, zoning back into what M was saying about her date she had with K after thinking if I could ever find that love and deciding that I never will, as I won't be around long enough to figure it out.
“J!! Are you even listening to me?”, M dramatically called out to me as she waved her hand in front of my face to grab my focus back on her and not for my seek for the foolish belief of love.
“Yeah, yeah, you're talking about how K kissed you goodnight and how you think that he's the one and that you are over Q”, I replied in monotone.
Just as she was going to snarkily reply, K came up from behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist all lovingly. I sighed as I thought if I would ever have that. If I would ever be loved in the time I have left. I snap out of my trance once again and slowly shut my locker and head to class without glancing back at the couple.
As I hurriedly walk through the halls I notice that a new kid is being shown a tour of the school. He seems to be in or grade and is actually taller than me and is really handsome. He glanced towards me and gave me a cheeky smirk that I instantly fell in love with. All of the negative thoughts I am usually thinking have just faded away and have been replaced with this mystery boy's smirk and his handsomeness. His attention snapped back to the counselor as she regained mystery guys attention to tell him that they will now be going to see the cafeteria.
As I start my journey towards my first class, once more, I can not get mystery guy out of my mind. It's as if he is the light at the end of the tunnel.
I make my way to my normal seat, which is in the back corner of the classroom. I kindly greet the teacher and pull out my phone to text the group chat.
Me - YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED!!! I THINK SOMEONE ACTUALLY LIKES ME?!?!
M - No?! Really? That's not possible, u r just u J. U were probs just imagining things again
P - ^
D - ^^
Well that is great. My three friends don't think that a guy could even be interested in me. Nice to know that they think that highly of me. It's great to have them in my life. Always great to know that I can count on them when I'm in trouble.
The bell ringing snaps me out of me thinking if mystery boy really did smirk at me. As a boring class lecture begins, I let my mind wander back to mystery guy.
YOU ARE READING
Story of J
General FictionJ wants to kill herself. She thinks that she will never find love, even though she wants that cliche high school relationship. She thinks that when she's gone, no one will even notice until the news comes on and tells everyone what happened. But wha...
