The Desert

Despair

My name is Joe, I live in a suburban town near Los Angeles. I am married to my wife Carol with 2 daughters: Jenny and Jesse.  I am employed by a company in downtown Los Angeles and until recently I was able to support my family with my income. I went to church when I can with my family because my kids seemed to enjoy Sunday school. I rarely pay attention when I was there though when I'm there. I would follow my wife to the service but mostly taking time to catch up with my e-mails and sports with my phone. I glance at my wife from time to time and I saw her really paying close attention to all the things that preacher was saying. I tried here and there to see what it was all about but all I heard is some stories about ancient times that has nothing to do with me. I had my doubts if any of those stories were even true. All in all, We lived relatively content lives: the kids were healthy, smart, cheerful and we adore them. 

Then came the dark cloud that began consuming me. My employer was having financial problems and started to lay off workers. Since I was a senior member of the staff, I was not a candidate for the layoff but had to agree to lower wages or resign. I had to agree to lower wages since I really did not see any better opportunities elsewhere since everywhere else seemed to have economic problems as well. 

We now did not have enough to cover our expenses.  My wife tried to get a job to help but she did not have the skills or the experiences to get any decent paying jobs since she had been out of the workforce ever since she had the children.  So she had decided to attend school to get a better education. 

I also tried some programs to try to supplement my income.  I searched through the internet, newspaper and other sources in trying to find suitable part-time work. 

 One I stumbled on to promised to make me a millionaire right from my computer, another promised ways to invest for crazy returns and another told me they will build a website that will bring millions of customer each day to buy from me. I tried some of them but in the end, I ended up spending money that I did not have and getting no results. So I gave up on the over-hyped internet money making gimmicks.

We had to cut down all the non-essentials that we used to enjoy: the annual trips, the family night out, family picnic, charity activities, and donations. I traded away my beloved BMW for a cheaper car. We had to give up health insurance because we no longer could afford the payments. 

We were still short so we had to give up the family home that we just acquired two years ago. It was a two-story dream house that we instantly fell in love with as soon as we saw it. My wife and the children even made a great effort to plant a beautiful flower garden in front of the porch. It was difficult for all of us but especially for Jesse, who would often wake up early to water the flowers. We transplanted a few of her favorite flowers in a pot and took it to the apartment we moved into but soon the flowers withered and died. 

We thought we did enough to get by but all of a sudden, my elder daughter Jenny had broken her arm and had to go to get treated. We had exhausted the little savings that we had and started digging into our credit cards. A short time after, Jesse's counselor called us for a meeting: It turned out that Jesse had not been playing with her friends anymore and showed a sign of depression.  She recommended psychological treatment for her. 

We went to church that Sunday because the kids really wanted to go. I saw my wife weeping while we were in the main sanctuary during service and I wanted to cry also but I swallowed my tears. I asked my self: Why is this happening to me? Where did this all go wrong? Did I do something wrong?

 As we drove back home, we saw that the children seemed much more content than they have been. I could see that the wife's eyes were still in tears but she tried to stay calm not to upset the children. 

That Sunday night, after a long discussion, we decided it was better for us to be separated for a while. We contacted my wife's parents in Florida and explain the situation and they agreed to help: My wife will continue her education in college near her parent's house, Jenny would get the treatment she needed and Jesse would see a child psychologist nearby. My wife and kids will live there while we sort out our problems.

Next day, I drove My wife and kids to the airport then we said our goodbye and watch them walk away from me to the airport terminal. The feeling of powerlessness and despair captured me at that time. I could no longer contain myself so I found a bathroom stall and began to weep. I did not know what to do, or where to go from here. 

I was able to calm my self down and came back home that night in an empty apartment and lay on my bed. As I lay looking at my ceiling, I realized how little control over my life: I could do nothing about my finances and my family. The love of my life and two little treasures of mine was taken away from me.

I felt so worthless.  I wanted to go just die.  Somehow I remembered that suicide will send you to hell and I did not have the willingness or gull to kill myself.  I felt like maybe the desert could be a good place to die: no one would find me there and maybe the environment or the creatures there may kill me instead. 

As I was in my thoughts, I was exhausted by all the things that happened and fell asleep.