Ffi Ffi Fucked Up

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now...

Do you ever get that aching feeling in your chest like you know something is wrong and you know you feel like utter crap, but you have no clue why?

I get that a lot these days.

I've been having the best week and yesterday I woke up with this aching and I just couldn't shake it. But I went out and had such a nice day and I forgot all about the aching.

But then I got home and went to write in my diary and turned onto a VERY bad page.

A few weeks ago I was in a very bad place and I made a decision that I regret. I'd always told myself that I wouldn't do it because the thought of being in pain makes me feel sick, but when I was doing this... thing... it hurt less than I thought and I just couldn't stop.

It was like it wasn't me doing it. I didn't feel like me and it scared me and I just remember crying and writing in my diary.

I really needed someone to talk to, someone - anyone - to message me or the group chat. No one did.

For some sick, self destructive reason, when I'm sad I listen to very depressing music and just let myself cry. Well, i was on YouTube and stumbled across a song called 'Beautiful-P.O.D lyrics c:' and I just palyed it over and over while I was hurting myself...

Fifteen minutes after I had stopped I remember she messaged me and the releaf I had made me cry.

We facetimed and I was acting really weird a hyper. I didn't want her to know. I didn't want to worry her. I love her with all my heart.

After a while she asked me if I was ok and I was talking before I could think. She was calm and told me to get rid of it. I did it straight away. I love her so much.

She was open with me that night. That meant the world to me.

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It's been nearly three weeks since I did that.

I had urges to do it again for around 6 days, but since then I have been totally fine. I've been happier.

Ya know, I'm the sort of person to complain all the time, about anything. I always feel the need to say how I feel.

However, when it comes to my bad days, there is so much I don't say. She is one of the only people I tell anything to and I just feel like a burden. Even though I know she says shs doesn't mind.

For fuck sake! I don't know how I feel.

I don't know.

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-Ffion x