Ffi Ffi Fucked Up

Anger

I don't think I've been this irritable in a few months, nearly a year.

I have no clue how to control myself anymore. I'm doing things to let my emotions out - I'm finding new ways to cope that I know i shouldnt be doing. But it's not what you think. I haven't don't that in a while.

I wish I had other was to cope.

I'm struggling.

I've always been a kid that would rather cry on my own and act like a loud mouthed, annoying, argumentative bitch to hide my anger and hurt.

I'd rather look bad than broken.

But now it's too much. Now I always feel like the bad guy, even when I don't show my anger.

My friends have no clue how angry I get. No clue.

They've seen snippets, but that's 1/12 if what I can do. I fucking see red. I act like my father.

I used to fucking lash out as a child because I had no other way to express my feelings.

These days I have so much going on, I'm triggered over the smallest of things.

I punch myself. I pull my hair. I dig my nails into my skin. I slap myself.

Yesterday was all kinds of fucked up. My dad wouldn't let me out today to sign up for things to do with college so I sat there for ten minutes just breathing - trying not to get angry.

I started crying. Then I stopped myself. Then I started thinking of all the things ive been bottling up the last few years, then i cried. Then I started hitting and punching myself in the head - something I do a lot now.

I sobbed quietly until I messaged J. He's helped me so much lately. J and R talked me down after I read something last night.

If I wasn't already angry enough... I got so angry. I didn't stop crying for so long. Everything was too much.

I wrote out a chapter of this, but I deleted it. It was too angry and I didn't want to hurt her... so I left it a while, watched ASMR to calm down, and wrote out another chapter.

A less angry one that would also get across my feelings.

I nearly took it down straight away, thinking it would hurt her. But my dad got angry again, I got angry again and so I left it up.

She eventually messaged me and things were sorted out.

I felt so fucking stupid for getting angry, but I also know I can't help the way I feel. I've put up with everyone's bullshit for a while now and it's starting to piss me off.

My hormones are through the fucking roof since I found out about my PCO and idk... maybe that's why I'm so sensative.

I just feel like a pathetic girl that everyone else sees as a fucking monster.

(This isn't directed at anyone, just my feelings while I'm still annoyed about something)