[✔️] mute , yugbam

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: * twenty *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

dear diary,

he left. he left two months ago. at least i know he' s in a better place now. he's probably up there, talking to my dad. i wonder what they are talking about. does my dad like him? i hope he is happy now and he doesn't have to worry about me.

i don't want anyone's pity. although it made me sad, i'm not going to let it effect me a lot. it was a lot going through all of the procedures in the hospital and even though he didn't make it, i know that everyone tried their best. no one wanted him to go but it is what happened and soon i'm going to have to move on.

it's been two months and now i think i'm ready to move on. not completely though. i'm never going to forget him. i'm never going to stop loving him. i'm never going to stop thinking about him. but i think i'm going to find people who can keep me through this loss. people who will accept me for who i am.

it still hurts me. just because i say i'm going to move on and all, doesn't mean that i'm not hurt by what happened. like i said in my last entry, i'm going to visit him no matter what. and i stick by my word. and i visit him every day.

also recently i found something. his diary...

bambam, 18/11/20, 17:13

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧  ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: *

i went to his grave just like i have done for the past two months. i was lucky enough to have my dad's and my boyfriend's grave next to each other. i know it sounds sad when i say i was lucky enough. but i am. because i know that the two people who i love the most in my life are next to each other and although they have never met each other, they are taking care of each other.

normally whenever i go, i take two bouquets of flowers with me. one for my boyfriend. one for my dad.

however, today was different. not only did i take two bouquets of flowers. but i also took a book.

i took yugyeom's diary with me.

i read it. i read it all.

i had put it into a box so that i could put it next to his gravestone.

i read all of it the night before visiting. i couldn't help but sob really hard. i cried myself to sleep that night. and i feel so guilty for doing so because yugyeom said that he never wants to think of a moment where i am crying. but i cried last night. i can't imagine how much i hurt him.

"i don't want to think about a moment in which bambam cried himself to sleep." (thirteen)

and i could feel how much he cared for me through all the words he wrote. all he did was worry about me. and express his love for me. he even wrote about the day he asked me out. it was christmas day and he asked me out.