Late Night Thoughts

Empty

Have you ever felt broken, but, yet so empty?

Some days I have no emotions and some days I drown in them. At the bottom I try to regain hold of my life, but, to no avail. 

I can be in love one day and the next they may not mean shit to me... I've been battling this for years. I have always been the one who has the answers for everyone else and somehow I can't help myself. Helping people is what keeps me happy and what motivates me. In the shadows I tend to remain as I keep all of my secrets locked away. 

I overthink. "Why am I not enough? Do they not care? Am I overreacting? Why am I like this?"

I stress. "I didn't get the grade I wanted. He didn't call to let me know he was safe. I can't handle this. I can't stay positive." 

I overreact. "They haven't called me back. Why can't I remain positive and stay happy? Is life really worth living."

I often ask myself "Why are you like this?" I try to stay focused and to be happy... it's not something that works for me. Fake smiles, fake laughs, and fake happiness is what works for me. When I am alone, I left my sorrow go, but, I don't let it make itself at home. 

I am happy in the company in which I share with my special someone. That is almost nearly it. However, my unsuccessful attempts of controlling my emotions has ruined that. My overreacting and overthinking has damaged it. He is gone. They are all gone. I must learn to control it and to embrace it. 

When I look at the situation... at myself... I am much more than my mother than I would like to admit. I have many emotional breakdowns, panic attacks, short temper, etc., Some of the many things I don't like about her, but yet I have them ... 

If only I could stay happy and could handle my emotions then I may not feel so empty.

3/4/2019

11:51 p.m.