Out of my Mind // A Brendon Urie Fanfiction

sixty five

The sharp wind whips my hair against my face. I frown as I look at my surroundings. The road is dimly lit, I can barely see a foot ahead of me.

I'm driving again. It seems a little too soon. I look down at my legs. My cast is off. Off in the distance, I see oncoming headlights. They shine bright in my eyes, but I remain unfazed. The car ahead starts swerving all over the road.

I try to take my foot off the gas, but it's like someone glued my feet down in place. My hands are stuck to the wheel, too. As the car comes closer and closer, my body buzzes with panic.

Not again. Please no.

I catch a glimpse of the driver as he approaches. It's Brendon. His eyes are dead as he looks at me, his face placid.

"Brendon!" I scream, hoping he can hear me, but knowing he won't.

I scream as the cars collide.

-

I push myself up from the bed, gasping.

This is my fourth nightmare. One for every night I've slept here.

It was a dream. It's fine. I'm still in bed. I'm not in a car, and Brendon is in the other room. It was just a dream.

But no matter how many times I say it, it doesn't change the fact that I'm deeply unsettled. Maybe there's more wrong with my mind than the memory loss. I touch my fingertips to my cheeks, bringing them back to show I've been crying.

"Brendon?" My voice is quiet at first, too scared to disturb the silence. "Brendon?" I hear him get up from the couch, slowly making his way towards me.

"Do you need to go to the-" he stops once he sees me. The moonlight casts a shadow on his face and makes his eyes shine.

"Can you sit here with me for a minute?" His jaw clenches as he watches me closely. Eventually, he makes his way to the opposite side of the bed. He's hesitant to slide in next to me. "It's okay."

He lays next to me, his body stiff as a board. He stares at the ceiling, and so do I.

"Was it a nightmare?" I nod. His presence alone makes my heart beat faster. "Do you wanna talk about it?" His voice is groggy with sleep, deeper and huskier than usual.

"It was a car wreck. I couldn't get out of it. I was stuck." I don't tell him that he was in it, too. I don't know if there was a deeper meaning other than I'm scared of driving. And I wouldn't want him to think I'm scared of him; because I'm not.

"Well, you're okay. You're not in a car, so there's no way you'd get in a wreck. And I wouldn't let that happen to you. Never again." I know that he can't control fate. But nonetheless, I believe him. I believe everything he says because he makes me feel safe. I know that if it were up to him, nothing bad would ever happen to me.

"I know you wouldn't." I nod to myself, telling myself that it was a good thing to say; the right thing.

"I should probably go back to bed. And let you get some rest." He starts to get up, but I grab his arm.

"Stay." He nods and lays back down, pulling the covers up over him. This feels so familiar and so foreign at the same time.

I feel like I've spent forever searching for someone. Someone like him, and I finally had it in my hands. But it slipped through my fingers and I don't even know what it felt like. To love someone so much that you'd share your life with them.

"Do you think I'll ever get it back?" His eyes are closed, his eyelashes skimming his rosy cheeks.

"Hm?"

"My memory. Do you think I'll get it back?" His eyes open and he looks at me gently.

"I do." I bite down on my cheek,"and I'll wait for that day. We have a lifetime together, I promise. But for now, you need to work on healing yourself. Stop thinking of other people so much." My insides feel warm.

"You do it too, you know."

"That's because you just got in a wreck. And you just woke up from it." I roll my eyes.

"I'm not dumb. I know you're hurting too. Just because you didn't get in a crash, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong. I feel bad that you're spending all your time catering to me. So take you're own advice, and stop thinking of other people so much."

"That's the problem. I know it may be hard for you to believe, Sunshine, but I love you. You aren't just other people." His chestnut eyes bare into mine and all I feel is tension.

Sexual tension that makes me want to throw myself on top of him. It's been building up for days now, burning a hole inside of me. I've never kissed a stranger, but I guess he isn't, is he? I've had so many flashes of our kisses and interactions and I feel like I'm getting something back that I lost.

His gaze moves from my eyes to my lips. Just a few moments ago, he was on the verge of sleep, but now he's wide awake.

"If you keep looking at me like that, I might have to kiss you." He's closer than he was before and his words are soft and rough all at the same time.

"Mm." My heart races. He props himself up and leans over me.

"And I don't think I could stop myself." His jaw flexes as I lick my lips. The next few words are going to change a lot, depending on what I choose to say.

I want to say that we should stop, that it's not a good idea. We should strictly be friends until things get figured out. Until I'm better. But looking at him right now, I don't want to. I'm not sure how I felt about him before; I don't know if this moment would matter if I did remember him later on. All I know is that with how close his face is to mine, I don't care.

"Then don't."