There's a new shopping-centre in the suburbs called Scrubber-Town. It's full of dodgy dealings, bad behaviour and larger-than-life characters. Some of these are: Komik kal, Kara-Lyn and Lainie and Janie, two BFF's who are roving-reporters for the m...
Hi STR's (Scrubber-Town Readers), it's Lainie and Janie back with another gossipy snippet for you. Last time we wrote snippets, we were short on time, but we simply must tell you this one. We know you won't want to miss out.
We're armed with a magnum of cheap bubbly to help us along today, partly cos this may be one of our last newsletters as Lainie and Janie. I know we always say that and then stuff happens and we're still stuck here, but this time it's true. Janie's off to Sydney next week to start her acting career (yes, she won her audition) and I'm headed Interstate too in April to join Asteroid Air (finally). Please don't feel sad, though, cos we'll be back as often as we can to visit and Dr Una will keep you all up-dated.
A few weeks ago Scrubber-Town held a Kitchener Bun week. Both the bakeries here made masses of Kitchener Buns and there was a lot of really bitchy competition. One day there was a real, live food fight with uncooked dough and cream. Dough, sticky jam and cream got stuck in eyes, mouths and hair. Goodness knows how long it took to remove it. The path outside the shops was covered in flour which no-one bothered to clean up. Everyone came to watch as we all do here in S.T. Then Dr Una made a speech about how the bakeries should be ashamed of themselves, as the main purpose of Kitchener Bun week was to raise money for charity. For every Kitchener Bun sold, one dollar was donated to Intestinal Cancers Research. Things settled down a bit after that, although there was still a lot of sniping and insults by the two bakeries involved about each other's Kitchener Buns.
The two bakeries are fairly new arrivals at Scrubber-Town; one is called Bunn- Fite and the other one is Bart's Tarts. The two blokes, Barry Bunn and Bart Bunn happen to be cousins and don't get along. They can often be seen popping their heads out of their doors to hurl insults at each other. Anyway, the Scrubber-Town shoppers and retailers, love their Kitchener Buns and simply couldn't get enough. They didn't care who'd made them, so in the end quite a bit of money was raised. We should explain here that Kitchener Buns are sometimes called Berliners, and are just big fat doughnuts with jam and thick cream inside. Too Yummy.
Anyway, it was during this time that the Kitchener Bun King photo, as it has come to be known, was taken. Clyde McBryde is a photographer for the local newspaper, The Jewel which is a real rag, Dr Una says. On this particular day Clyde was taking photos of some of the shops here at Scrubber-Town for an article to feature in The Jewel .It was part of a promotion we think, to make the entire area seem better than the hole it really is. He took photos of Little Buggers'Child-Care Centre, with two of the brats playing outside. We hear that they gave Clyde the finger; and the Bogan Chick boutique, featuring newly-famous and up-herself model Sinead Jones ( more about her in another chapter),Slaggs and Bag Ladeez boutiques, with a grinning Kara-Lynn hugging an oversized customer and much to Komik Kal's disgust, the front window of Nick's Nirvana. Remember Komik Kal and Nick are staunch enemies, as Nick is having a full-on affair with Kal's daughter Kimberlee. Best of all Clyde photographed the recently renovated exterior of Stuff-Ya-Face cafe; yes, you guessed it's in lurid colours of pink and purple.
Clyde got a fantastic photo of Rob Hobbs mid -mouthful of a huge Kitchener Bun, and cream was squelching out both sides of the bun and across Rob's face. Rob had been thinking that Clyde was going to take a shot of him, sitting with his high-flyer real-estate friend Col Sidney, while they were sipping coffee. The photographer took one of those too, but the one that was eventually used was captioned: Rob a Good Sport, All in a Good Cause'. Apparently, Rob went ballistic at The Jewel newspaper office.
Not only did Rob's photo appear in The Jewel, but shortly after, Clyde's son, Matt and his friend Josh, who interestingly happens to be Rob's stepson (he hates Rob) were going through Clyde's photos on the computer. The guys were drooling over Sinead Jones and then they discovered Rob's photo with him gorging on the Kitchener Bun. Both guys were smoking weed at the time and apparently laughing themselves senseless, especially on seeing the bun photo. They promptly transferred it to their face-book page, inviting people from all over the world to write captions. So the photo went viral. We think that's hilarious. Rob Hobbs Is now threatening to sue The Jewel, Clyde McBryde and his son Matt and even his own stepson, Josh. How do we know this? Well, Josh is a friend of a friend, etc. Anyway the photo is all over the net and it's awesome.
We have seen the captions too and here are four of our faves.
Don't try this at home, or you might choke.
Do try this at home, where no-one can see you.
If the wind changes you'll stay like that!
Oink Oink, old fat person.
There, we knew you'd all be happy that we wrote one last funny story for you.
Lots of luv and laughs
Lainie and Janie.xxx
PS: Rob Hobbs could be the poster-boy for Intestinal Cancers Research.
PPS; There should have been a dollar donated for every kilogramme gained. We heard that just about everyone put on weight, the most being six kilos. Wish we knew who that was. We'd publish it. (just kidding).
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Not quite a Kitchener Bun, but close. Kitchener Buns are just like a big fat donut, minus the hole and filled with jam and very thick cream.
